Obama Defends Inaction On Syria Chemical Attacks: ‘Never Said Simon Says’

Washington, DC, May 19 – President Obama hit back at critics of his policy on the Syrian civil war today, insisting that he never committed to getting the US directly involved in the conflict even if Basher Assad’s forces crossed the “red line”  of using chemical weapons, as nowhere in his statements on the conflict did he invoke the no-turning-back phrase “Simon says.”

Despite repeated violations of international law by forces loyal to the Syrian president, the international community, especially the US, has been reluctant to commit militarily to the rebels, a significant number of whom are jihadist groups that could threaten American interests. Foreseeing such complications, Obama specifically avoided uttering “Simon says” when addressing Assad, knowing that refraining from the invocation of Simon would leave him with the political and diplomatic wiggle room to opt for letting Assad continue to slaughter his people unimpeded.

Deaths from the Syrian civil war now number more than 160,000, and the number of refugees now exceeds three million. Neighboring countries find their resources strained in handling the exodus, and the United Nations refugee agency lacks the funds and material to tend to the influx properly. Rebels and refugee representatives were incensed that the American president avoided providing serious military aid, but upon hearing his explanation that he never actually mouthed the words “Simon says” in directing Assad to stop committing atrocities, they conceded that Assad could not be expected to comply.

“We get it,” said Ahmad Fatuh, a father of six at a refugee camp in Jordan. “I understand now, and it’s OK. I thought maybe the deaths of four of my children could serve as poignant markers in the struggle for liberation from a tyrant, but Obama never actually said the magic words. That means there’s no ethical bond obligating the US to act to protect the victims. We’re cool with that.”

In a related development, the United Nation Security Council opened a session on the Syrian conflict. The session began with US Ambassador Susan Rice and British Ambassador Mark Lyall Grant trying to be the first to call, “Not It!”