Obama Offers To Kill Americans Himself If Islamists Agree Not To

Washington, DC, April 24 – Speaking on the anniversary of the Boston Marathon bombing, President Obama sounded a conciliatory note toward Islamists by suggesting that he could engineer the deaths of Americans instead of forcing terrorists to do so.

The president called the bombing one year ago “unfortunate,” and the finger-pointing at the Islamist motivations of its perpetrators “tragic,” asking his fellow citizens to remain steadfast in refusing to directly confront radical Islam. Calling attention to the ideology behind the bombing, and the society that fosters that ideology, “would take us back decades in American-Islamic relations, calling into question the notion that Muslims can only be viewed as victims,” he said.

To help Islam burnish its image in the wake of such problematic episodes as the marathon bombing, constant brutal attacks in Iraq, a resurgent Taliban in Afghanistan, rockets from Gaza targeting Israeli communities, massacres by Al-Qaeda-affiliated groups in Syria, anti-government violence by militants in Egypt, bombings in Chechnya, and 9/11, Obama used his memorial address to propose that the radical, militant Islamists lay off the anti-American violence. In exchange, he laid out a series of programs to maintain, and perhaps even increase, the American body count directly by American hands.

As a result, he suggested, the Islamist groups fighting to kill and maim people elsewhere would arouse little or no antipathy among Americans, since American mainstream media are already predisposed to avoid uncomfortable questions about the role of radical Islam in fomenting unrest.

As for the body count programs, Obama noted his administration’s continued anemia on gun control, and said that almost nothing needed to be done to ensure an increase in Americans killed by firearms over the next few years. If those numbers prove insufficient, he added, the obesity, heart disease, and other avoidable death statistics and trends speak for themselves.

The Islamist response has been positive. “We welcome the president’s message of tolerance,” said Mahder Fahkir, director of the Council on American-Islamic Relations. “Our mission has always been to silence critics of even the most dangerous elements of Islam, and this proposal dovetails well with our eventual goal of subjugating all non-Muslims to our rule.”

At press time, Brandeis University was considering granting a posthumous honorary degree to Osama Bin Laden for his work in highlighting Western victimization of Muslims.