Oh, I Thought You Meant Freedom Of OPpress. My Bad.

By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority

So you know how I’ve been ordering my underlings to shut down media that challenge my policies or legitimacy, and have imprisoned journalists for exposing the corruption, incompetence, and stupidity of my administration? Well, it turns out it’s all a misunderstanding – apparently I heard you all wrong, and thought that instead of freedom of “the press,” I’ve been engaging in freedom of “OPress.” Oopsie.

It’s an easy enough mistake to make, especially for a man of my age. My hearing isn’t what it used to be, for one thing, and old habits die hard – this is the way we Arabs and Muslim in the region have been handling dissent for such a long time now, it’s basically tradition. Not to mention that my mentor and idol was Yasser Arafat. So please excuse me for having my “security” forces arrest, torture, and otherwise silence anyone who criticizes my regime. It was all an innocent misunderstanding, you see. Carry on as you were, focusing on Israel’s alleged crimes. I have a people to lead.

This kind of thing happens all the time. For an office function I once ordered my men not to forget the beets from that one vendor who always gets the best stuff, and they mistook my orders for a command to beat the man to a pulp! We then had to come up with some trumped-up charge that he was engaged in treason or something, but point is, mistakes happen.

There’s also the ongoing confusion between the words “incite” and “insight” – the Jews are People of the Book, so they appreciate insight, but we Palestinians, especially the leaders, keep conflating the two, and end up engaging in the one with the c instead of the one with the s and gh. The shenanigans we get involved in as a result, let me tell you!

Also, apparently I was supposed to have my term as president end like eight years ago?? Who knew? It’s like no one ever even told me. I really do have to get my ears checked. It looks like I’m missing so many of the things of which people just assume I’m aware.

What’s that? I’m not quite hearing you. I mean, it’s possible you asked about stopping the oppression and allowing actual freedom of the press, now that I have been informed of the correct version of the term, but with my age and hearing, you know how it is.

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