OK, Whose Turn Is It To Distract The Masses With Some Outrageous Statement?

By Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu

Thank you for attending this Coalition meeting on such short notice. I know many of you have important legislative and administrative business, and I do not take those commitments lightly. But we have yet to decide on which of us or our associates will make some racist, insensitive, or otherwise unwise remark this week that will be then taken by our political opponents and the press and blown all out of proportion, so that the real, more disturbing news goes more or less unreported.

Bitan, you did a fine job at the end of last week with your seemingly off-the-cuff pronouncement that you’d rather not have Arabs voting. It was well executed. That’s the kind of ruckus we need to generate here, the the real business of a governing coalition can get done without all the unwelcome media attention. They seem not to like when we actually do what we’ve been elected to do, so we have to create diversions.

I’d rather not have to go to the IDF again and have some general make a comment about seeing parallels between 1930’s Germany and modern Israeli society. It’s best if we keep the controversy generated here among the people in this room, or at least the purviews of the people in this room. Somehow it fell through the cracks and we need to decide quickly who’s going to say the next boneheaded thing.

Unfortunately we can’t ask anyone from Yesh Atid, because they’re in the Opposition now, but they brought quality to this endeavor. Remember late in 2015 when the Ministry of Education under their minister rejected the novel Borderlife for inclusion in the list of approved books for high school literature? That was a masterpiece, that episode. We were able to get a full couple of weeks of actual work done while the media and “liberal” opposition hopped up and down with rage about censorship and intolerance. That’s the level of trolling we need, people. Time to step up.

Glick, I know this isn’t your kind of thing, but maybe you can help us out by being arrested near the Temple Mount or something? No one is asking you to get shot again, obviously, but that level of sacrifice would be tremendously helpful. I’ll understand if you say no – we just need some new distractions. Alright, we need some new ideas, everyone.

Oh, Liberman, that’s intriguing. OK, I’ll check on that and get back to you by tomorrow. Alright, let’s follow up by text message and Slack. I’ll let you all know by tomorrow morning whether one of the Chief Rabbis agrees to sexually harass someone on camera.

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