Oldest Star Discovered; Palestinians: We Were There First

Canberra, Australia, February 11 – Astronomers in Australia have discovered what they say is the oldest star known so far, prompting Palestinian officials to claim their ancestors inhabited that star long before any Jews came along.

Scientists mapping the southern sky identified SMSS J031300.36-670839.3, as the oldest observed star so far, based on its spectrum of color, which indicated only a tiny presence of iron. The quantity of iron in the universe increases over time as more and more stars produce it when they exhaust their hydrogen. SMSS J031300.36-670839.3 has only trace amounts of the element, indicating its senior status. Palestinian negotiator Saeb Erekat asserted yesterday that his family moved to SMSS J031300.36-670839.3 eons ago. SMSS J031300.36-670839.3 is located about 6,000 light years away in the Milky Way, the same galaxy as Earth.

“My family was on SMSS J031300.36-670839.3 literally billions of years before there was any such thing as a Zionist, let alone a Jew,” Erekat told reporters in Ramallah. “We called it, uh… we called it ‘Abu Smassa’. Yeah.”

Previous candidates for the oldest known stars were discovered in 2007 and 2013; they were  calculated at 13.2 billion years old. At the time, Palestinian claims were focusing less on the venerability of the stars than on seeking evidence of Israeli war crimes in every possible location. They pointed to those stars as witnesses to Israeli atrocities throughout history, including the massacre of innocent young stars by black holes. “We intend to summon those stars to testify in the International Criminal Court,” Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas declared at the time.

Several Arab nations have put together a resolution for the UN Security Council, condemning Israeli use of SMSS J031300.36-670839.3’s light and gravitational influence. Given the star’s distance and the fact that its light only reaches the southern hemisphere, the measure would be largely symbolic. “But symbolic is how we support our Palestinian brethren,” said Saudi UN ambassador Abdallah Y. Al-Muallimi. “Truth be told, if we could find a way to help our oppressed brethren reclaim the homes from which the Zionists drove them on, uh, Abu Smassa, we would, but resources are limited.”

“Of course we want as much as anyone to send the Palestinians back there,” he added.