Oppressed, Poor Iranians: At Least Hezbollah, Hamas Will Enjoy Nuclear Deal Riches

“At least Hezbollah will be able to kill Israelis as indiscriminately as they kill Lebanese. Some important things will come out of it.”

Tehran, September 6 – Citizens of the Islamic Republic who have lived under political, religious, and cultural repression for decades, and whose leadership has displayed disastrous incompetence on everything from employment to COVID to national security, consoled themselves today that while the ordinary people of the country might not see any material benefit from the impending agreement to drop sanctions on Tehran and grant trillions in revenue to the regime, that regime’s proxy terrorists in Lebanon, Gaza, Yemen, Iraq, and elsewhere will benefit, and thank God for that.

Conversations with ordinary Iranians over the weekend bore out the widespread sentiment of consolation over the fact that at least Hezbollah and Hamas, for example, will reap the cash and other rewards the mullahs have extorted from the Biden administration and European governments as the latter seek to reach a renewal of the 2015 agreement that, in theory, subjected Iran’s nuclear facilities to inspection and limited its ability to produce atomic weapons – even if regular citizens of the Islamic Republic will never see any of that money, nor any improvement in their lives as a result.

“You have to be grateful for what you do have,” stated Navid Meshed, 34. “At least I’m not getting hanged from a crane for being gay. At least only two of my relatives are being tortured in Evin Prison. At least the government’s pandemic response to COVID left my family 40% intact. And at least Hezbollah will be able to kill Israelis as indiscriminately as they kill Lebanese. Some important things will come out of it.”

“I had hoped we could afford diabetes treatments for my daughter,” said Shirin Ghassabian, 40. “Or maybe enough prosperity for us to forget every now and then that we live under cruel oppressors who see a woman’s uncovered hair as more problematic than sending bombers to destroy Jewish community centers in Argentina. But if we can’t have that, we’ll have to settle for paying Palestinian Islamic Jihad to launch rockets at Jews and kill more Gaza Palestinians than Israeli Jews in the process. You can’t get everything you want.”

The deal that appears to be forming at press time will allow Iran an influx of more than a trillion US dollars by 2030, which the country’s negotiators insist will only be used for the most peaceful efforts to violently establish regional hegemony, sow instability, humiliate the West, and erase Jewish sovereignty from the face of the earth.

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