Oxford Students Majoring In Antisemitism Might Be Unable To Finish

A scramble ensued in the Sociology and Political Science departments in the wake of the announcement.

Oxford, February 17 – Students pursuing an academic degree in Jew-hatred at one of the world’s oldest and most prestigious universities may now face the prospect of having their program eliminated, an administrative official said today.

Facing reports that antisemitism has seen an alarming increase at Oxford, university provost Edward Norwich gave notice to faculty and administrators Wednesday morning in which he recommended that students pursuing a Bachelor of Arts degree in the fomentation and exploitation of anti-Jewish sentiments begin exploring alternative paths to a degree, as the administration is seriously considering ending its Antisemitism program. The move would affect up to 380 current students, but would not apply to Master’s and PhD degrees.

“The extreme to which antisemitic rhetoric has gone forces us to curtail our programming to forestall disaster,” read the notice. “There exists a substantial likelihood that as of the Fall 2016 semester, the Antisemitism undergraduate degree will no longer be offered by this institution. All students who will not complete their baccalaureate in Antisemitism studies by the end of the current academic year must consult with their academic advisers to discuss what modifications to make to their courses of study to determine what other academic degrees are feasible for them.”

A scramble ensued in the Sociology and Political Science departments in the wake of the announcement. A crowd of more than a hundred attempted to storm the provost’s office, but were thwarted by campus security. Department faculty reported that agitated Antisemitism majors had been overflowing with uncertainty and questions.

“I’ve set aside my entire morning and evening to meet with my students,” said Professor of Sociology Anne Tees-Emmett. “And I suspect the next few weeks will follow the same pattern. People are understandably distraught, and I intend to offer my support and guidance, but if they are serious about their antisemitism they already know whom to blame for this turn of events.”

Political leaders at Oxford had mixed reactions. “It’s unconscionable,” asserted Student Labor Party President Corbyn Corbynson. “Some of us have already spent two years pursuing our Antisemitism studies, and it’s not simple thing for us to redirect everything toward something else, even within the same department. Clearly the Jewish cabal that pulls the strings sees a real danger in people uncovering the truth, and took these drastic measures to force the university to make this move. We’re organizing a protest this afternoon at Wellington Square, in fact, to call anyone who would silence antisemitism an accessory to the mass murder that the Jews are committing and orchestrating all over the place.”

Some, however, supported the decision. “There aren’t enough open positions in academia for all the Antisemitism majors,” said Sociology Department Chairman Ayatollah Saddam Ghaddafi. “And it doesn’t equip them to do anything productive outside academia. Of course that’s by design of the Elders of Zion, but that remains the world we live in and have to adapt ourselves to, at least until we violently overthrow them.”