Palestine Declares War On Kailasa

“Local and national leaders will begin questioning whether or not other nations they currently show respect for and send money to actually exist.”

By: Dr. Nu vo Denn

In an unprecedented joint statement, the head of the Palestinian Authority and the Hamas movement controlling the Gaza Strip declared that their nation has launched a defensive war on the Kailasan republic.

“Kailasa poses an existential threat to Palestine,” the statement said. “We can no longer stand aside and watch as the leaders of Kailasa endanger Palestine with their reckless behavior. Because of their irresponsible activities, there is a grave risk that local and national leaders will begin questioning whether or not other nations they currently show respect for and send money to actually exist. That is essentially a threat of genocide against our nation and we will not let that happen. Within days, we will be mobilizing our forces to defeat the racist, colonialist, Zionist forces of Kailasa unless they immediately agree to cease all further activities undermining our long-suffering and heroic people.”

According to sources close to the Palestinian Authority leader, the decision to declare war came after the American city of Newark, New Jersey, declared it was twinning with Kailasa. Within days, the implications became clear and Fatah, the organization controlling the Palestinian Authority, reached out to the Hamas movement leadership to negotiate the joint statement.

In a surprising response to the joint statement, the opposition Islamic Jihad movement released a TikTok video in which they expressed unqualified support for what they called a “jihad against one of the most cowardly of the enemies of Islam. Our response will surely come.” Later the same evening, two rockets were fired toward southern Israel.

An anonymous Hamas source said that Iran will soon instruct Lebanon’s Hizbullah organization to send reinforcements and advisors to Gaza.

Ma Vijayapriya Nithyananda, Kailasa’s permanent ambassador to the United Nations reacted to the declaration of war by Palestine by reiterating what her nation said at the UN this year and in the past, “Our Supreme Pontiff, the Supreme Pontiff of Hinduism (SPH) Jagatguru Mahasannidhanam His Divine Holiness Bhagavan Nithyananda Paramashivam, has been facing persecution for over two decades, especially for His highly progressive stance on true women empowerment. This is nothing new to us.”

When asked if her nation will seek military aid if indeed Palestine launches a war on its sovereign territory, Nithyananda said only, “We are a nation of peaceful, brown people who mostly identify as women.”

White House spokeswoman Karine Jean-Pierre said that President Biden is looking into the situation with grave concern. “On the one hand, Palestinians. On the other, brown people who identify as women,” she said. “As you can imagine, this is a very difficult situation for our very progressive administration.”

Concerned for the safety of all peoples, Caspian, king of Narnia, offered his services as a mediator between Kailasa and Palestine.

“I am gravely concerned that the Palestinians have painted themselves into a corner with this declaration. Sorry to mix metaphors, but you should never, never shut yourself up in a wardrobe,” the king said.

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