Palestinian Authority Tries To Spin Gang-Rape Of Tourist As Anti-Corona Measure

“This type of vehement response is exactly what every government should be implementing.”

Bethlehem, March 9 – Failure of an effort to suppress the news of a Dutch woman subjected to repeated forced sex by a group of city residents last week has led local and national leaders to begin reframing the incident instead as part of a bold new initiative to prevent the spread of a deadly virus.

Initial attempts to prevent word of the gang rape from reaching international or social media fell flat, prompting officials in Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas’s Ramallah office to abandon the spin operation and explain the attack as an audacious operation to keep coronavirus from infecting more people in Palestinian autonomous territories.

Recordings of the incident, in which a gang of five Palestinian men lured a tourist from the Netherlands to a deserted area of Bethlehem, which is under Palestinian control, then robbed and raped her while beating her tour guide, emerged on social media in the days following the crime, short-circuiting local law enforcement efforts to keep it under wraps lest the incident prove embarrassing and adversely affect tourism. Palestinian officials executed a quick rhetorical pivot, asserting that only such vigorous measures can contain the disease, which has already infected an unknown number of Palestinians.

“We will show zero tolerance toward the coronavirus,” declared Palestinian Deputy Minister of Health Annas Annas. “This type of vehement response is exactly what every government should be implementing. Perhaps if authorities in China, Iran, Italy, South Korea, and elsewhere had resorted to our methods sooner, the world would not see its current level of crisis.”

Deputy Minister Annas offered assistance and guidance to any governments or agencies in the international effort to limit further impact of the pathogen, which disproportionately proves fatal for the elderly and immune-compromised. “President Abbas has authorized me to put our expertise in this regard at the disposal of the international community,” he announced. “Representatives of those governments and organizations combating coronavirus are welcome to visit Palestine to observe our methods and approach firsthand.”

Experts voiced doubt as to the effectiveness of such measures elsewhere. “Iran already takes a similar approach to many challenges, epidemiological or otherwise,” observed University of Prague Professor Zent Ralpark-Jagr. “It did not appreciably prevent the horrific spread of the pathogen all over the country, and indeed, all over the region. Iran has its own approach to, er, licking this, and has yet to meet real, convincing success. What we require is to band together and brutally attack this from every direction at once, showing no mercy.”

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