Palestinian Church Excommunicates Galileo For Saying Earth Does Not Revolve Around Them

Galilei must withdraw his conclusions and submit to the authority of the infallible Palestinian pope.

Ramallah, February 22 – Ecclesiastical officials in the Church of Palestine have placed a ban of excommunication on Italian astronomer Galileo Galilei for strong evidence of his expressing heresy in the form of claiming the world does not revolve around the Palestinians.

In an announcement by a spokesman for Palestinian Pope Notinnocent VIII, the scientist, inventor, philosopher, and mathematician Galileo Galilei of Florence, Italy, was placed under a ban from receiving Church sacraments until such time as he recants his heresy. Galilei has long insisted that his astronomical observations prove that the Earth orbits the sun, and not the Palestinians.

The spokesman, Father Saebi Erekatti, denounced the Florentine astronomer in severe terms, accusing him of harboring and spreading malicious, destructive  lies about the orientation of the heavenly bodies. “Everyone knows the situation and fate of the Palestinians is the central issue plaguing humanity for the last seven decades,” he asserted. “To claim that something else lies at the center of the solar system – nay, of the universe itself – is to engage in willful denial of one of the basic tenets of existence and to corrupt the minds of the masses.” To reverse the excommunication, said Erekatti, Galilei must withdraw his conclusions and submit to the authority of the infallible Palestinian pope.

Galilei published a treatise in which he documented his astronomical observations and shared the calculations and reasoning that led him to conclude not only that the sun does not orbit the Palestinians, the Earth itself orbits the sun – and that the Palestinians are simply one of many peoples inhabiting Earth, with no inherent centrality.

Those conclusions explicitly conflict with the axioms of the Palestinian Church, which hold that a just solution to the problem of Palestine – i.e. the creation of Israel – lies at the heart of a peaceful resolution of all the major problems plaguing the Middle East. Only if the Palestinians are provided with justice – at the cost of Israel’s existence as a Jewish state – will the tribalism, terrorism, instability, Sunni-Shia rift, religious persecution, genocide, political repression, and rampant corruption in the region come to an end. Prosperity and peace will reign, just as the Church insists they did before Jews established sovereignty in their ancestral homeland, and canon law forbids you to question that.

Church officials also found the scientist’s name suspicious, as it derives from a Biblical name for a region of Palestine when the latter was under ancient Israelite rule, a period that Palestinian Church doctrine has ruled must be ignored.