Palestinian Families Displaced Each Time Jews Make Aliya Actually Just One Family With Really Really Bad Luck

“Obviously we can’t just call the phenomenon false. Imagine what that would do to our funding!”

Ramallah, January 30 – Researchers documenting the plight of Palestinians ethnically cleansed from their homes to make room for housing whenever new immigrants arrive in Israel have discovered that despite the attention the phenomenon receives from activists and political figures, only one such family has come to light, with the repeated instances of it occurring to the same family over and over again, though what the researchers admit they have little choice but to call outrageous fortune.

A group of journalists and academics set out late last year to record the names, places, and numbers of Palestinians whom Israel clears away to make room for Jews from elsewhere in the world, the team announced today, only to determine that such Palestinians are elusive enough to make the team think it all comes down to a single Palestinian family with the lousiest luck in the universe that keeps ending up in the next place to be cleansed, as nauseam, because they have yet to meet any of the supposedly numerous demographic described.

“We suspect there’s some overlap in the numbers our colleagues in the human rights field have cited,” acknowledged Nessie Yetti of Amnesty International, who co-directed the effort with Tel Aviv University Professor of Anthropology Patterson Gimlin. “We started by tracking the Jews who move to Israel and where they end up, looking to find the Palestinians who were expelled from the homes those Jews end up occupying. But that turned out to be harder than we assumed, not least because no one seemed to know who those Palestinians were, in each individual case – it was just something in the activist and Palestinian communities that ‘everybody knows is happening’.”

“Obviously we can’t just call the phenomenon false,” concurred Gimlin. “Imagine what that would do to our funding! No, our assumptions still guided us to the logical conclusion that the overall number of Palestinians displaced by immigrant Israelis must be much smaller than we thought not because of ongoing genocide that made them disappear, for which we found no clear evidence, unfortunately – I mean I’d love if it were true, who wouldn’t? – but some other factor. We were more or less forced to come to the only reasonable conclusion, which is that it’s a small, small number of Palestinians, probably a single household, that is forced to leave its home to make way for these Jews from Brooklyn or wherever, over and over again. I think the numbers dictate that it would have to be several times a day. We’ll find them eventually.”

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