Palestinians Make 4-Item List Of Israeli Actions Not Considered ‘Declaration Of War’

“It should free us up to incite our people to murderous violence instead of having to meet each and every Israeli move with a separate such statement.”

Ramallah, July 11 – Officials of the Palestinian Authority that governs the entity’s West Bank self-rule zones and representatives of the rival Hamas movement that runs the Gaza Strip adopted time-saving measures today, under which instead of responding to individual Israeli actions characterizing the action as a declaration of war, the groups produced a brief list of actions they do not consider a declaration of war.

Spokesmen for the groups conducted a meeting today featuring rare instances of civility and cooperation, during which they determined that the only actions by Israel, and on occasion, the US, that would not merit being called a declaration of war against the Palestinians or Muslims in general would involve abject surrender, instant disappearance, mass suicide, or not moving out of the way of some cataclysm that would annihilate the Jews of Israel.

“We figured it would take less time and energy to just tell everyone what isn’t a declaration of war,” explained Nabil Shaath, a spokesman for Fatah chief and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas. “It should free us up to do other important things such as inciting our people to murderous violence and paying lifetime pensions to people who killed Jews, instead of having to meet each and every Israeli move with a separate such statement.”

Hamas officials present at the meeting seconded the necessity. “We’re very busy with making our people’s lives miserable and using that misery to exert pressure on the Zionists,” concurred Haswa Halila. “We realized yesterday when [Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin] Netanyahu announced the closure of the Kerem Shalom crossing, and we had to respond by calling that a declaration of war, that we could be much more efficient by just putting out a list of the several things that if Israel did, we wouldn’t respond like that. It’s a load off our schedules. Now we can better focus on burning down the Kerem Shalom crossing again as we did last month.”

Haswa noted that agreement on the list of four non-declaration-of–war actions came with some difficulty. “Not everyone was on the same page with Jews disappearing or committing mass suicide being OK,” he recalled. “Some of us, me included, argued that such a move would deprive Palestinians of their right to kill Jews, and anything Israel does that we don’t like merits declaration-of-war status. In the end, though, my like-minded colleagues and I relented on that point because in the actual document, it’s phrased in such a way that does not rule out direct Palestinian involvement.”

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