Palestinian Says Was Raped By New Israeli Laser

“We find his account credible, because we find anything that makes Israel look bad credible.”

Gaza City, June 22 – A former prisoner in Israeli military detention told activists and journalists that the Jewish State’s newest defense weapon, which intercepts incoming projectiles by means of a focused beam of light to burn or disintegrate the target, violated him sexually.

Rimmi Itdid, 23, claimed at a press conference today that the airborne laser system that Israel announced yesterday it had successfully tested had raped him while he was in Israeli custody last year. Israeli military representatives denied the allegations.

“That thing violated me repeatedly,” charged Itdid, a student of engineering. “It’s a criminal and must be destroyed.” Itdid declined to provide specific dates or further details of the repeated incidents, including the name or location of the Israeli facility where he was held, but human rights activists insisted his story be accepted at face value.

“We know Israel abuses Palestinians right and left,” asserted Human Rights Watch worker Omar Shakir, commenting on the allegations from Turkey. “The fact that, for the moment, there is no evidence of Mr. Itdid leaving the Gaza Strip into Israel, or even being in proximity to any Israelis, let alone Israeli military personnel, remains immaterial; we find his account credible, because we find anything that makes Israel look bad credible.”

A spokesman for the IDF denied the accusations. “Not only his the premise of the charge ridiculous,” retorted Lt. Col. Alon Facepalm, “he was never in Israeli prison, military or otherwise. And accusing a machine of rape… he doesn’t even know what the thing looks like.”

Lt. Col. Facepalm suspects that Palestinian activists urged Itdid to make such accusations to combat the development of the laser system, which, together with a ground-based counterpart, will intercept rockets, shells, and other weapons that Israel’s foes in the Gaza Strip and Lebanon shoot at Israeli communities. The two systems, projected to become operational within several years, will operate at a fraction of the cost of the Iron Dome, which uses explosive projectiles to intercept ballistic weapons. By generating international outrage against the laser system, anti-Israel activists hope to delay or prevent the systems from coming online and removing the most potent threat that Hamas, Hezbollah, and other terrorist groups pose to the Jewish State.

Activists accepted the accusations without question. “He’s probably pregnant!” yelled Amnesty International activist Richard Burns. “Israel bears total responsibility for this atrocity. We call upon the International Criminal Court to open a case against the laser right away, lest the beast continue to func- I mean to commit unspeakable crimes.”

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