Palestinian Technology Posthumously Turns Adult Fighters Into Children

The Before-Interment Alteration System, or BIAS.

Tel Aviv, September 12 – Israeli military and Defense Ministry officials voiced concern today over a device that various terrorist factions appear to have in their possession, one that takes any corpse of a gun-wielding, bomb-planting, firebomb-throwing, or knife-brandishing Arab and transforms it into a “youth” or “child,” as reflected in mainstream news coverage of recent conflict episodes.

Officials pointed to articles and video reports surrounding the violence over the last several months in the Gaza Strip and the Palestinian-governed city of Jenin, cases in which the IDF documented its actions against armed Palestinian men, often killing them – only to discover that such reliable, objective sources as CNN, the Associated Press, Reuters, The New York Times, and the British Broadcasting Corporation quoted Palestinian media and officials in calling the militant a child. Israeli military intelligence concluded that the Palestinians possess something that somehow changes an adult fighter into a child whose death Israel caused.

“As a placeholder name, we’re calling it a Before-Interment Alteration System,” disclosed one official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We know of at least twenty cases in the last year in which BIAS has been deployed to create a propaganda effect, with varying degrees of success. But other evidence points to the use of BIAS for the same purpose going back decades, to the first Intifada in 1987. Its deployment helps explain hundreds of instances in which the IDF neutralized an armed terrorist, only to find that some unexplained technology has altered the corpse so that it now resembles that of a playful youth whose innocent photographs now grace the pages and social media accounts of Western journalists and government institutions. BIAS is clearly a weapon to be reckoned with.”

Experts offered no firm description of the structure or mechanism by which BIAS operates, but they acknowledged its effects. “If it uses known technology, that’s quite the feat of engineering,” conceded an IDF major in the Engineering Corps. “But even more impressive, considering the unsophisticated weaponry that Palestinian terrorists use in general, is if it uses some technology the rest of the world has yet to discover, let alone use.”

A lieutenant-colonel in the same unit also noted, however, that in many violent incidents, Palestinians still place bona fide children in harm’s way, either to prevent IDF action or to reap the propaganda benefits of the child coming to harm by such action – raising the possibility that BIAS sometimes proves unavailable and Palestinians must manufacture its effects some other way.

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