Palestinians Develop Tiny 3D-Print Knife To Stab Israeli 3D-Printed Heart

The adaptive qualities of the Palestinian resistance movement keep increasing.

Ramallah, April 16 – In what scientists are calling the second major scientific breakthrough from the region in as many days, researchers at Bir Zeit University have produced a weapon with the specific characteristics to neutralize a Tel Aviv University medical development announced yesterday.

TAU scientists announced yesterday its researchers had created a heart the size of a cherry, made of human cells that can contract, and that can be formed using a 3D printer. In response, Palestinian scientists rushed to develop their own 3D-printed counter to the heart, and produced a 3D-printed knife of the size and shape that can stab the Israeli heart. Experts called the Palestinian creation a technological marvel.

“The adaptive qualities of the Palestinian resistance movement keep increasing,” observed Dr. Tulsi Scabbard, Professor of Biophysics at New York University. “In the past one might have expected a Palestinian response to Israeli innovation to take some time, and to occur only after the Israeli innovation had been in practical use. In this case, however, the Palestinian adaptation occurred more or less immediately following the announcement of the Israeli innovation, which will not really be ready for clinical use for years.”

“It’s evidence of a step up in Palestinian abilities,” agreed analyst Raoul Panim. “I’m sure we’re on the cusp of Palestinians developing something that will actually benefit humanity for once.”

Faculty and administration at Bir Zeit described the innovation for journalists at a press conference. “Our researchers are constantly endeavoring to bring twenty-first-century methods to bear in the fight against the Occupation,” explained Dean of Sciences Mustafa Massikr. “Until now those efforts have concentrated in the so-called ‘soft’ sciences, fields in which it has long been easier to find international collaborators more readily disposed to collaborate. But in 2014 we made a strategic decision to branch out into the ‘hard’ sciences, and not let Zionist prowess in that arena go unchecked. With generous funding from our allies in Tehran and elsewhere, we are pleased to shepherd this series of initiatives.”

Massikr declined to specify when the miniature 3D-printed stabbing implement will become available. “That’s less important than the public relations,” he admitted. “The point here is the morale boost. We portray everything as a victory: the destruction of Gaza, the deaths of thousands of Palestinians, the stunted political and economic development of areas under our control, our leaders’ enriching themselves through embezzlement, corruption, and nepotism – actual, real-world achievements aren’t really what we’re about.”

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