Palestinians Threaten Violence If King David Moves Capital From Hebron To Jerusalem

“There never was a Temp – no, wait, we can’t use that claim yet,” hesitated Saeb Erekat.

Ramallah, January 22 – Palestinian leaders warned that if the king of Israel moves forward with his plan to establish Jerusalem as the national capital as announced, the region will explode in violence.

President Mahmoud Abbas and several senior officials of the Palestinian Authority joined heads of the militant movement Hamas in issuing separate threats to the effect that any move to assert Jewish sovereignty over the holy city would spark riots and bloodshed throughout the Muslim world. David has reigned from Hebron for seven years.

The Davidic administration announced last year that it plans to relocate from the Judean capital of Hebron to Jerusalem, a historic city that straddles the border between the territories of Judah and Benjamin. Bureaucratic work toward implementation of the move began in recent weeks, prompting Palestinian leaders to caution that any such relocation would constitute an affront to the entire Islamic nation, and would result in attacks on the interests of Israel’s allies all over the world.

David chose Jerusalem for several reasons, explained spokesman Ahitophel. “His Highness seeks first of all to unite the Twelve Tribes, and therefore decided to move his administrative center from the heartland of Judah in the South to a spot closer to the other tribal territories,” he told reporters. “Beyond that, the entire people’s ties to Jerusalem go back to the Binding of Isaac and the spot on which Jacob had his first prophetic revelation. Tradition also tells us that humanity was created from earth taken from a spot on that very hilltop, and that the creation of the world itself began from there. It is only fitting that Jerusalem constitute physically what it has always meant to Israel spiritually.”

Palestinian activists attacked that explanation as mendacious. “There never was a Temp – no, wait, we can’t use that claim yet,” hesitated Saeb Erekat. “Uh… that’s all a fabrication! It wasn’t Isaac, it was Ishmael, and he’s one of us. This Jewish attempt to deny Palestinian history in Jerusalem is a gross violation of our culture, and the Arab and Muslim worlds will not stand idly by as our rights are trampled.”

“I mean, I’m just predicting that,” he added. “You can’t accuse me of inciting violence. It will be a spontaneous coordinated series of explosive riots occurring at more or less the same time, that’s all, and of course they would happen whether or not we gave everyone the idea by insisting the move is an affront to Islam. And I wish you would stop insinuating that Arabs and Muslims have no volition, and riot at the drop of a hat. It’s so racist when you do that.”

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