Palestinians To Stop Fighting Once Jews Stop Settling Earth

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said that he and his people genuinely seek peace, and are only resisting the Jewish presence in places they do not belong, such as Earth.

Ramallah, October 21 – Palestinian leaders continued to support the popular uprising that has claimed dozens of Israeli and Palestinian lives in recent weeks, saying that the people are only reacting to to Jewish settlements on this planet.

Despite repeated calls from the international community to restore a semblance of calm, Palestinian Authority leaders have kept up rhetoric inciting people to stab, run over, shoot, or otherwise attempt to kill Jews, under the pretext that Israel plans or is trying to curtail Muslim access to Al Aqsa. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said that he and his people genuinely seek peace, and are only resisting the Jewish presence in places they do not belong, such as Earth.

Abbas assured various international figures that his people seek only a limited resistance, and would agree unconditionally to peace once Jewish settlements are removed from the areas they occupy on Earth. “We do not desire perpetual war; ours is a culture of peace,” he told the UN. “But the unjust placement of these Jewish homes leaves us no choice other than to resist, by whatever means possible.”

“We will not resort to violent methods,” continued Abbas. “Our way is the peaceful way of the car, the rock, the knife, the gun, the Molotov cocktail, the bomb, and the blunt-force weapon. We do not condone or support violence.” Similarly, he stressed, the Palestinian struggle is limited in time and geography to those places on the third planet from the sun where Jews have settled.

Despite centuries of opposition from many quarters to their settlement on Earth, Jews have continued to build homes and communities, sometimes in the very locations that previous generations had already successfully cleared of Jews. Perhaps no area of the world features more of this phenomenon than the territory controlled by Israel, which has seen repeated cycles of Jewish settlement, a successful expulsion, Jewish resettlement, further expulsion, and so forth, over the course of the last three thousand years. While some areas of the planet, such as Europe and the Muslim world, have been largely cleared of Jewish settlement for decades, Palestinians and their allies have encountered intense difficulty dislodging the settlers from one small sliver of land in the Eastern Mediterranean where the archaeological and literary records first attest to Jewish settlements.

“If we can just get rid of them here that should do it – they’ll never survive,” predicted Abbas. “I’d love to ask how our predecessors did it, way back when. I’ll try to consult with the Assyrians, Babylonians, and Romans. Anybody know what ever became of them?”