Palestinians Warn UK Embassy Move Will Bring Violence, As If Anyone Could Tell Difference

“Palestinian threats have become part of the background noise, part of the scenery, like pigeons crapping all over everything and everyone in Trafalgar Square.”

Ramallah, October 19 – Leaders of various Palestinian factions threatened today that if British Prime Minister Liz Truss orders her country’s diplomatic representatives in Israel to make Jerusalem their headquarters in recognition of the city as Israel’s capital, as she has indicated is her intention, Palestinians will conduct attacks of various kinds, an admonishment that led several prominent experts to wonder how the materialization of such a threat would differ from the current situation in which Palestinians conduct attacks of various kinds on anyone who disagrees with them.

Truss indicated to incumbent Prime Minister Yair Lapid last month at the United Nations General Assembly that she will instruct her government to examine the feasibility of transferring the Tel Aviv embassy to Jerusalem, signaling acceptance of Israel’s designation of the contested city as its capital. Palestinian leaders in both Gaza and Ramallah warned to expect an explosion of violence if such a move goes forward. Political and security analysts expressed confusion over the meaning of those warnings, given the constant violence that characterizes Palestinian behavior in the first place.

“Like, how would we know if that happened?” wondered Michael Doran, a former White House staffer under George W. Bush. “The baseline for Palestinian activity involves levels of aggressive and violent activities already far beyond what any citizen of the UK would encounter with any regularity, especially since the conflict with the IRA all but ended. How are the British supposed to weigh such threats? For one thing, they tend to react the same to a broken umbrella as to a car bombing, which is to say, with little more than an ‘Oh, dear.’ For another, Palestinian threats have become part of the background noise, part of the scenery, like pigeons crapping all over everything and everyone in Trafalgar Square, not worth the trouble. I remain… unconvinced of the effectiveness of this Palestinian strategy.”

“We need more information,” concurred Col. Richard Kemp, who commanded British forces in Afghanistan. “‘Palestinians threaten violence’ means about the same as ‘rain in Cornwall.’ Yes, probably, but it tells me next to nothing. ‘Football fans get drunk, sing chants’ conveys more useful information than that.”

“They’d do about as well with ‘American tourist threatens to get loud,’ he continued. “‘Local Irishman has reputation for drunkenness.’ ‘Winter a bit nippy.’ ‘English visitors to Germany studiously avoid discussing with middle-aged locals what grandparents did during Second World War.’ They’re going to have to do better than that.”

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