“I hear it’s got this Jewish Space Laser that just blasts planets into little bits of rock.”
Gaza City, May 4 – Observers of Israeli military positions in the south of the country, facing this Hamas-controlled coastal territory set off a wave of consternation today by informing their superiors and comrades that the glowing orb in the nighttime sky is not, as many had long assumed, a rocky object in an irregular orbit around Earth, but a massive Mossad facility with immense destructive and reconnaissance capabilities.
“That’s no moon,” breathed a lookout, with a look of dawning dread on his face. “That’s a space station.”
The report sent ripples of shock, disbelief, and fear among the ranks of Hamas and other armed groups opposed to Israel’s existence. Hurriedly-convened conferences of high-ranking militants took place throughout the morning and early afternoon all over the Gaza Strip, according to several eyewitnesses. The outcome of those meetings, according to several in attendance, has yet to prove conclusive.
Hamas media and publicity apparatuses rushed to contain proliferating rumors regarding the capabilities and purpose of the “Death Star,” as many have taken to calling it. The original report contained only the realization that it is a space station, but offered no specifics on its function or power. That did not stop Gazans both affiliated and not affiliated with Hamas regarding Death Star.
“It can destroy the planet,” whispered some. “I hear it’s got this Jewish Space Laser that just blasts planets into little bits of rock. Billions of souls crying out and are silenced.”
“It’s not gravity that causes tides,” insisted others. “It’s the tractor beams the Jews have installed on that thing. You know how it can be so hard on some mornings to get out of bed? That’s the Mossad Death Star using its tractor beams on you from the other side of the planet. It’s doesn’t have to be above the horizon to get you.”
Suggestions floated at the various militant faction meetings have included attempting modifications – or requesting modifications by Tehran – to the rocket inventory available to Hamas and its ilk in the Gaza Strip, to enable those rockets to reach what until now everyone thought was a moon. No one appeared to know how far the Death Star orbits from Earth, and therefore whether such modifications are in fact possible.
The realization that the moon is really a space station has breathed new life into the venerable allegation that the moon landings were all faked, a notion already popular in the conspiracy-theory-happy Arab world.
Please support our work through Patreon.
Buy In The Biblical Sense: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B92QYWSL
Fabulous Facebook Comments!
Glorious Google+ Comments!
Wordpress Comments