Peres Now Advising Heaven On Economic Reform, Nuclear Development

“He’s been around almost as long as we have.”

Supernal Realms, September 28 – Newly-arrived resident of Paradise Shimon Peres got to work immediately today, after it was announced that the longtime public servant would serve as a consultant to the archangels on various strategic issues such as infrastructure, nuclear weapons development, economic reconstruction, and peaceful relations with the Other Side.

Peres, 93, was welcomed into the heavenly realm early Wednesday morning, following an invitation two weeks ago. Brief negotiations resulted in the former president, prime minister, foreign minister, Ministry of Defense director-general, legislator, and functionary of the State through eight decades accepting a position to bring his experience and wisdom to bear on the issues facing Heaven.

A spokesman for the divine administration announced after Peres’s arrival that challenges lie ahead, but that he and the other members of the Heavenly Court have confidence that the Nobel Peace Prize laureate will handle them with grace, optimism, and determination.

“What Shimon Peres has shown us is that so many things once thought impossible are in fact quite possible,” declared Gabriel. “We need some of that kind of thinking in these parts, where, far from being a place of serenity, the dynamic of growing ever-closer to God poses challenges. We have invited Mr. Peres to help us meet those challenges, and look forward to working with him.”

The terms of the arrangement have not been made public, but a source in the heavenly administration who spoke on condition of anonymity told reporters that in general, new hires are subject to a period of probation before the position is secure. “It shouldn’t be too much of a problem with Mr. Peres, though, because he’s been around almost as long as we have,” said the source.

Specific issues facing consultant Peres include the development of a source of renewable energy for the supernal realms, which cannot rely on solutions that serve Earth well, such as the sun, explained Gabriel. “As far as Heaven is concerned the sun is not renewable, because it’s only scheduled to last another few billion years,” he said. “We’ve been subsisting on the energy converted by turbines from the inmates of Hell who are forced to ride stationary bicycles all the time. Recently there’s even been a boost of new inmates from Syria and areas administered by the Palestinian Authority, but the supply is unstable, given the possibility, however remote, of Earthly society becoming more peaceful and humane. If that happens, the population here will balloon even as Hell’s stagnates, and we won’t be able to meet our energy needs. Peres is a creative thinker, so we welcome his input.”

Gabriel then wondered aloud whether Peres’s recommendation would involve engineering a process on Earth whereby Palestinians and other Muslims would forever be motivated to commit heinous crimes through the perception of accomplishment helped along by concessions to their demands.

 

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