Persians Confused To Discover None Of Haman’s Ten Hanged Sons Gay

“Everyone knows this is what happens to gays in this land, and always will, at least for another 2,500 years.”

Hamadan, February 15 – Citizens of this Achaemenid realm voiced bewilderment today upon being informed that despite the method by which their bodies were mistreated, not a single one of the men hanged by order of the Crown was known to engage in homosexuality.

Parshandata, Porata, Aridai, Parmashta, Arisai, Adalya, Dalphon, Aspata, Aridata, and Vaizata, all sons of Haman ben Hamedata, who fell out of the king’s favor last year and was put to death, were killed in battle with Jews they had attempted to exterminate. King Achashverosh decreed their corpses be displayed from the same fifty-cubit gallows on which their father was hanged last year. However, hanging in Persia carries an almost exclusive association with execution for homosexual activity, leaving residents of the capital and visitors confused as to the men’s sexual orientation, and what offense prompted their deaths.

Passersby voiced their perplexity to reporters. “I’m pretty sure they were family men with plenty of children of their own,” mused one. “The gossip game in this town is strong – it’s the capital, you know? Plenty of scuttlebutt and rumor to go with the currying favor and jockeying for royal attention. But not a whisper of any such thing about these guys. It’s weird.”

“Everyone knows this is what happens to gays in this land, and always will, at least for another 2,500 years,” observed another. “The only explanation I can think of that makes sense is that the king wanted to humiliate them in death as much as possible, so he decreed a sentence that would make everyone assume they were fags. I mean, I don’t think anyone really believes they were, but we get that His Highness wanted to express his displeasure with them.”

The ten were ringleaders of a plot initiated by their father last year to kill all the Jews in the empire and plunder their property. However, Queen Esther revealed her Jewish origins, driving a wedge between the king and his most senior minister and casting suspicion on Haman of attempting a coup. He was dismissed and hanged on a gallows he had set up for a political rival who ended up being a Jew who raised Esther as his adopted daughter and who was instrumental in saving the king from assassination ten years ago. The queen later prevailed upon His Majesty to reverse the planned genocide and permit the Jews an armed defense, as a result of which the ten brothers met their end.

“I will say the idea of dressing a guy up in fancy clothes and parading him around the city to show appreciation, a proposal Haman came up with, does sound pretty gay,” remarked the first.

Please support our work through Patreon.