Please Stop Blaming Jews For The Things We Supervillains Do

By Lex Luthor

If there’s one thing a supervillain wants, it’s publicity. The whole thing with the logo, the hairdo, the costume, the sinister name – it’s all to generate hype. Fear, of course, and respect, but sustained public attention is also really important to the role. So the last thing we want is for all the conspiracy theorists to be blaming the Jews for something dramatic when I’m actually the one behind it. It angers me. And you do not want me angry.

When I blackmail governments or control the weather, as a supervillain I want you to acknowledge my efforts, my cunning, my ruthlessness – while expressing, perhaps only in the back of your minds, some sympathy for my motives. Instead, today’s supervillain gets barely a nod from the people you might expect to embrace you. Here I am, a conspiracy theorist’s wet dream, and no one even cares. They’re too busy blaming “Zionists” for all the world’s ills. That’s quite the diss.

Dissing a supervillain, as you may have noticed, doesn’t tend to work out well for the non-super population. As a personality type, we supervillains hew closely to the give-me-attention-right-now-or-I-detonate-London model, so ignoring us carries some, shall we say, risks. Here I am endeavoring to establish a global dictatorship with me at the helm, and you go attributing it the Elders of Zion? You bet I’m going to take it out on someone!

And it won’t be the Jews – not because I’m afraid of any Jewish superheroes – those are more a Marvel thing (see what I did there?) than my DC – but because it would be a distraction from my obsession. If nothing else, in your position I would begin to suspect whether the whole focus on Jews as a sinister force behind all major and some minor events isn’t in fact some supervillain’s plot to distract you as they implement their dark plans.

Hmm. That does give me an idea. How about a device that controls the minds of billions of people and makes them believe Jews aren’t allowed to have a sovereign state in the very place where the term “Jew” originated, and that everything real or imagined evil in which that state is involved becomes the inordinate focus of the international community, to the point that they neglect to take steps to prevent my takeover when the time comes?

The seeds of a plan. Excellent.

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