Poll Sees Ashkenazi-God Ticket Beat Bibi

More than fifty percent of respondents answered that they would vote for that team over the incumbent in any future elections.

Tel Aviv, January 24 – A new survey finds that in a hypothetical matchup, newly retired General Gabi Ashkenazi could defeat incumbent Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu if he teams up with the Lord to form a new political party.

The Geocartographia institute conducted a poll this week revealing that the former IDF Chief of Staff, who is considering making politics his second career, has what many on Israel’s political left and center desperately seek: the ability to dislodge Netanyahu from his hold on the premiership, a position he has held, and successfully defended twice, since 2009. While no single candidate has emerged who boasts poll numbers giving them hope of unseating Netanyahu on their own, various combinations of possible opponents have shown promise. Of those, the proposed Ashkenazi-God ticket shows promise where others do not: more than fifty percent of respondents answered that they would vote for that team over the incumbent in any future elections. No elections are currently scheduled; the present government, elected last March, could by law last until 2019, but no Israeli government has served its full four-year term in decades.

A Geocatographia representative cautioned that the data represent only a snapshot of the current political climate. “Ashkenazi has not formally announced affiliation with any party,” noted Avo Dazara. “More importantly, neither has God. We must also remember that this is not campaign season, and the political realities of an election have a way of defying the expectations created by early polls.” He added that while several parties claim to have recruited the Almighty, or at least that He has endorsed them, no formal statement of divine allegiance has yet to be produced, leaving open the possibility that the Lord, Creator of the universe, might agree to a political alliance with the retired general in order to unseat Netanyahu.

Such a prospect, while popular on the center-left and even among rightists dissatisfied with the current officeholder, has placed some leftists in a bind, says political analyst Hanan Krystal. “The last thing Meretz wants is mixing God into politics,” he said. “But if that’s the only way to bring down King Bibi, they might just hold their noses and go for it. They would also never support Ashkenazi on his own, since his impeccable security credentials make him problematic. But all ideological bets are off when the possibility of defeating Netanyahu is dangled before them.”

God was unavailable for comment. A spokesman attempted to make a statement, only to be interrupted by thousands of others, each violently claiming to be the only true spokesman.