Pro-Hamas Student Takeover Of Hogwarts Building Ends Badly

The Quibbler ran a cover illustration of a Palestinian child with six fingers and three arms.

Hogsmeade, July 15 – Activists attempting to agitate for awareness of, and action to address, the plight of Palestinians following a Palestinian massacre of Jews and continued attempts since then to hurt as many Jews as possible suffered a setback in those efforts when they attempted to repeat at Britain’s school of magic a stunt that garnered them the desired attention at Columbia University several months ago: an attempt to gain control of one of the wings of the main castle at the facility fizzled when the magical structure itself foiled their attempt.

A group of “pro-Palestine” agitators tried to take caretaker Argus Filch hostage on the second floor of Hogwarts Castle yesterday, according to eyewitnesses. The group of six activists confined the man to a broom closet on the third floor and began to issue a list of demands – but those demands never came forth, as Hogwarts Castle itself thwarted the hostage-taking pro-Hamas thugs at every turn.

First, the witnesses report, hundreds of likenesses in portraits all over the building crowded into the handful of frames adorning that small section of the castle, and began yelling without pause. The racket drowned out any attempt by group of activists to announce their demands or hold forth on the justice of their cause. When the ringleader sought to step away from the area for a moment in pursuit of a quieter location, the floorboards and wall-mounted candle-holders seized him and threw him back into the confined area.

When two of the demonstrators attempted to hang a Palestinian flag from a window, the windowsill shook off the banner, which floated down outside the castle walls until a wind wafted it into the lake, where the giant squid caught the flag and tore it apart.

Peeves the poltergeist also swung into action by tying two protesters’ shoelaces together, and, when they tripped, sat on their faces and farted.

Hogwarts staff declined for the moment to identify the protesters. Rumors swirled about their affiliations; reporter Rita Skeeter asserted that the group must have had help from inside the institution; the Daily Prophet quoted the Minister of Magic as warning against rumormongering, while denying reports that at least one member of the House of Slytherin participated in the incident; the Quibbler ran a cover illustration of a Palestinian child with six fingers and three arms.

On campus, unconfirmed rumors spread that certain students’ parents had been summoned to the headmaster’s office. Among Slytherins, the speculation involved specific students in Gryffindor, and vice versa. Students for Justice in Palestine issued a condemnation of the building’s thwarting of the protest tactic and charged that “Zionist elements” had conspired to “silence criticism of genocide” by “brainwashing Hogwarts” into repressing the demonstration.

A spokeswoman for SJP attempted to convene a press conference but was hit by a precision-aimed bat-bogey hex.

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