Proctologists Find Heads Of Remaining Two-State Solution Advocates

“The ears are located in the head, and the location of that cranium within the anus would effectively block the patient from hearing the dehumanization and delegitimization of Jewish sovereignty so prevalent in Palestinian media.”

Haifa, March 13 – Diagnosticians in proctology at Rambam Hospital have located the heads of people who still believe the two-state solution is a viable path toward a final-status arrangement between Israel and the Palestinians, a hospital spokesman announced today.

Dr. Hedda Pizass, Chief of Proctology at Rambam, told reporters that examination of two-state solution advocates had revealed solid objects lodged in the rectums of the patients in question, and that various imaging technologies were brought to bear to determine that the objects were the same patients’ heads. Dr. Pizass noted that the diagnosis serves to explain various important aspects of the patients’ continued insistence on the relevance of the two-state model despite myriad indications that it would bring neither peace nor prosperity to both societies.

“In medicine, diagnosticians generally favor identifying a single cause for multiple symptoms,” she explained. “Here. we have a compelling single factor behind the patients’ evident inability to perceive reality as it is vis-à-vis Israeli-Palestinian relations, and the capacity for Palestinian society to accept the existence of a Jewish State.”

The primary plane on which the presence of the patients’ heads up their rectums clarifies the pathology of the situation involves the patients’ adherence to a view of Palestinian commitment to achieving peace that ignores the ongoing incitement in official Palestinian media and educational materials, such that only a patient’s head being lodged in the backside would allow him or her to see a Palestinian state living in peace alongside a Jewish Israel.

“The ears are located in the head, and the location of that cranium within the anus would effectively block the patient from hearing the dehumanization and delegitimization of Jewish sovereignty so prevalent in Palestinian media,” she continued. “Similarly, since the eyes are located in the same head, having the head stuck in beyond the anal sphincter essentially blinds the patient from seeing the Palestinian social, print, and broadcast media that incite to violence against Jews and undermine any assumptions that Palestinian society might be ready to coexist with Israel.”

Dr. Pizass cautioned that while no cure for the condition is known to be 100% effective, some patients have found relief contorting themselves to rationalize the inconsistencies that do somehow penetrate the rectal cavity. “Tying oneself in knots may provide some temporary relief, but in the long term it causes severe and irreversible damage to the body’s credibility system, leaving it open to sudden collapse upon encountering facts it cannot assimilate,” she noted.

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