Progressives Set Up Office Of Inquisition For Acceptors Of Jewish Equality

“Only with a uniform set of tenets can we, who represent the forces of tolerance and diversity, hope to restructure the systemic injustice to enfranchise everyone who agrees with us.”

Park Slope, August 17 – Orthodox elements within the progressive movement took measures today to combat the doctrinal threat of a small but prominent group within the movement’s ranks that defies the canonical insistence on Jewish powerlessness and reliance on the whims of the host culture to maintain Jewish safety, with the establishment of an Office of the Inquisition to identify, investigate, and, if necessary, bring offenders to a tribunal that will decide to what extent, if any, the heretic must be canceled.

The Office of the Inquisition will model itself on a Roman Catholic institution of the same name that operated between the eleventh and nineteenth centuries, according to a spokeswoman for the progressive movement.

“A commission of progressive influencers concluded that the pernicious influence of heretics has held us back from wielding the power that justice demands we have,” explained Linda Sarsour, who will serve as the office’s High Inquisitor. “Obviously we have no jurisdiction over people outside the progressive movement, who have yet to see the manifest light of truth that we shine upon the oppressive systems of disempowerment undergirding this society, but we can and we must police, as much as many of us detest the term, our own to ensure adherence to correct doctrine. Only with a uniform set of tenets can we, who represent the forces of tolerance and diversity, hope to restructure the systemic injustice to enfranchise everyone who agrees with us.”

“The most pressing article of doctrine facing the Office is the intolerable tolerance among a surprising number of self-identifying progressives for Jewish sovereignty and equal status among peoples,” she continued. “Some even proclaim the absurdity that support for Jewish sovereignty, principally in the form of the Jewish State, which represents the first successful decolonization project in history, aligns with progressive values, among which decolonization ranks high. But such dangerous notions threaten the purity of progressivism and we must root them out by whatever means to preserve sacred, authentic progressive politics.”

Sarsour herself will oversee the activities of local and regional tribunals, each of which will be run by a Grand Inquisitor and consist of vetted progressives, of which she has already appointed several. “I’ve already tapped my Women’s March colleagues to form the core of the organization,” she disclosed. “We’ll also have an advisory board on which Senator Bernie Sanders has agreed to serve – he even offered up one of his luxurious homes as a venue for deliberations! Unfortunately we won’t be able to do as the original Inquisition did, which is to hand over the convicted to the secular authorities for physical punishment, but we can get Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, and probably a bunch of employers to make anyone’s life a living hell. All in the name of love and tolerance for everyone.”

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