Protest Dispersal Station Now Fully Armed, Operational

 Not everyone is thrilled with the deployment of the new device, specifically because of its capacity to stifle democratic protests.

Jerusalem, May the 4th – Amid a wave of protests against police brutality and discrimination against citizens of Ethiopian origin, the Ministry of Internal Security unveiled a new device capable of dispersing entire demonstrations.

Two large demonstrations in the last several days have turned violent, one in Jerusalem and one in Tel Aviv, with another protest scheduled for this evening (Monday) again in Jerusalem. At the Tel Aviv protest Sunday night, dozens were arrested for assaulting police, whom protest leaders blamed for responding with undue force. Several dozen demonstrators and bystanders were injured. To prevent future rallies from getting similarly out of hand, the police plan to phase out riot gear, water cannons, and horses in favor of the new station, christened the Star.

Unlike existing methods, the Star is designed to neutralize violence before it can be fomented. “Until now, countering violent demonstrations would be as if a million voices suddenly cried out, and were silenced,” said police spokesman Palpa Teen. “But the Star will provide us with both a view that will help assist us in better anticipating illegal activity and a way to snuff it out before it causes complications.”

The new device, though still technically under construction, was rushed into service, raising safety concerns. “Testing would have to happen at a location far too remote for an effective demonstration” of the device’s capabilities, said Jerusalem District Commander Wilhuff Tarkin. “There was no time to discuss this as a committee” before the urgent need to deploy the Star. “I assure you all, the station is operational as planned.”

Sources within the police department who spoke on condition of anonymity reported pressure on the production team, including implied threats to complete the project on time. Finding “new ways to motivate them” featured prominently in the reports, as well as a warning that higher-ups would “not be as forgiving” as the immediate supervisors admonishing the development team to meet the production deadline. Following the issuance of the threat, the workers doubled their efforts to make the Star operational on time.

Not everyone is thrilled with the deployment of the new device, specifically because of its capacity to stifle democratic protests. “That’s the trick, isn’t it,” noted democracy activist Hans Olo. “I have a bad feeling about this.” Olo raised concerns that with the Star, authorities would use force for attack, not for knowledge or defense. His colleague, Leia Organa, denounced the anticipated use of the Star to repress dissent, and said that the tighter the authorities squeeze, the more dissenters “will slip through their fingers.”

Organa also raised the specter of a more widespread popular protest against which the police could not effectively wield such a device. “We all know what I refer to,” said, employing a phrase from classical Jewish texts. “V’hamevin Yavin.”