Putin Declares Victory In Israel Elections

“Today marks a victory for democracy as cover for my machinations.”

Moscow, September 18 – A long night of vote-counting, speeches, and tension culminated this morning in an announcement by Russia’s president thanking Israeli citizens for voting into office the candidates and parties of his choosing.

Vladimir Putin congratulated Israelis Wednesday morning on voting the way he had manipulated them via social media trolling, bankrolling elements to sow division, and fomenting uncertainty on the Jewish state’s northern border to undermine any sense of security.

“I would like to take this special moment to show my appreciation for the victory the Israeli electorate has handed me,” pronounced the autocrat-in-all-but-name and former KGB operative. “We can now move forward with the fractured polity, political stalemate, hyperpartisanship, and mutual mistrust that best suits the policy I have been pursuing for Russian interests in the Middle East and beyond. Today marks a victory for democracy as cover for my machinations.”

“Together, or it will appear that way at least, we can work to build a region and world as I have envisioned,” continued Putin. “This mandate to continue undermining democratic institutions and sentiments in the West and elsewhere forms an important building block in Russia’s long-term strategy for hegemony. I would say we couldn’t have done it without you, but that is not strictly true; what we could not have done without you, the voters, is give the result the veneer of democratic legitimacy. So thank you for that.”

Last night’s electoral triumph marks the second time this year that Putin has achieved the desired outcome in Israeli elections. In April, the divided electorate chose enough parties with mutually exclusive core demands that Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu proved unable to form a majority coalition in the 120-seat Knesset. The political stagnation and loss of faith in Israel’s democratic system – as demonstrated by low voter turnout and increased apathy in polls before the election – serve as a key element of the Russian leader’s global strategy to distract the US and its democratic allies with internal strife while Putin pursues an imperialist agenda without American, European, or NATO interference that would otherwise make his designs unattainable.

Putin declined to reveal whether his near-term strategy calls for more inability to form a coalition, necessitating yet another round of elections in Israel early in 2020, or whether such a move would backfire as dissatisfaction with the status quo deadlock drives enough Israelis to vote for an outcome out of line with Russian interests.

Please support our work through Patreon.