Putin Finishes Quickly, Ready To Withdraw

Putin is unlikely to face resistance domestically from a prostrate opposition.

Amdan, Syria, March 17 – Russian President Vladimir Putin surprised most observers Monday with his announcement that he had finished penetrating Syria, and would begin pulling out.

Political figures, diplomats, and commentators scrambled to understand, explain, and adjust to the news, which came after an extended period of Putin holding himself erect while the rest of the world – notably the Obama administration – displayed impotence on Syria. Reactions included praise for the Russian leader’s sober admission that he could not pretend he would accomplish anything more by continuing to pound the anti-Assad rebels, as well as criticism over his selfish forcing his way in, having his forces release their loads, and pulling out.

Syrian President Basher Assad appeared most distraught over the turn of events, but is caught between needing Putin to reverse his in-and- out approach in order to achieve satisfaction with the situation and not wanting to alienate or offend such an important ally by impugning his ability to perform as advertised.

“The situation in Syria is reaching a climax, and we had hoped to share that triumphant moment with Russia,” said Damascus government spokesman Ahada Jissem. “This leaves the country in a mess, and the stickiness of the situation is such that while we appreciate Russia’s contribution, which initially came in spurts but eventually flowed more smoothly, we believe it is crucial for our relationship for Mr. Putin to reengage and present stiff resolve in the face of numerous continuing threats.”

Putin’s representatives are calling such a response premature. “There is no need to jump to such conclusions – Russia has just helped Syria maintain its rigid stance against terrorism, and allowed Assad’s forces to repeatedly penetrate deep into rebel-held areas,” explained Deputy Foreign Minister Ivan Tekyertrojanoff. “We can still provide flexible protection with the systems we still have in place, and there is no need to fear a flaccid reaction to ongoing threats. Our capabilities are still robust.”

In any case, say analysts, Putin is unlikely to face resistance domestically from a prostrate opposition, nor from a lame-duck Obama administration that has consistently shrunk from confrontation, feeling spent in Iraq and Afghanistan. “The US has essentially been rendered impotent in Syria,” explained commentator Vy Agra. “The US military has been shamed and hamstrung across the region. I’m pretty sure even the next president won’t be able to get it up to the level of deterrence it once had. Syria without the full Russian presence and penetration might not be impregnable, but it has little to worry about from the US.”