Rabbi Fills In At DNC After Khamenei Declines To Offer Benediction

Khamenei declined to offer a reason for his eleventh-hour cancellation.

Philadelphia, July 26 – Viewers, attendees, and participants in the first evening of the Democratic National Convention experienced some moments of disorder and unpredictability, but organizers confessed that the smooth functioning of the event was an even closer call than most people realized: Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, who was supposed to deliver the closing benediction, canceled at the last minute, forcing them to replace him with a Conservative Rabbi.

Organizers scrambled in the two days before the convention to fill the void left by Khamenei’s change of plan, and managed to enlist Rabbi Julie Schonfeld, head of the Rabbinical Assembly of the United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism – the first woman to hold that position.

By all accounts, say observers, Rabbi Schonfeld acquitted herself well and offered a suitable example for a campaign that seeks to install the first female president in the White House, but behind the scenes, Democratic leaders admitted they felt disappointment that the plan to have Khamenei offer a prayer fell through.

“Rabbi Schonfeld did a fine job,” said Doward Hean, one of the senior planners. “She would have been an excellent choice under almost any circumstances. But we had the opportunity to showcase the warming relations between the United States and Iran that President Obama has engineered, and it’s a letdown not to see that come to fruition on the grand stage.”

“We were this close,” agreed staff member Kohn Jerry. “We could have made everyone forget about the Republican convention that was dominating the news cycle. I mean, as it is, the controversies and shenanigans of various attendees made that happen anyway, but still.”

Khamenei declined to offer a reason for his eleventh-hour cancellation. “The Supreme leader is not in the habit of disclosing such information to pig Zionist Great Satan infidels,” said a spokesman.

Planners expressed hope that other big names slated to appear on the stage at the Wells Fargo Center would uphold their commitments to doing so. “I’m sure we can still count on the celebrities and entertainers who agreed to come,” predicted Hean. “And the establishment political figures certainly won’t shy away from being the center of attention for the few minutes they have in the limelight. I’m more concerned about some of the other people who accepted our invitation to speak, such as former president of Cuba Fidel Castro and supreme leader of North Korea Kim Jong-un.”