Rabbinical Student Still Waiting For Part About How To Control World

He keeps not finding any hint of how to dominate the global economy while keeping a boot on the throat of the goyim.

Brooklyn, April 8 – A candidate for rabbinical ordination nearing the end of his course of study has yet to encounter the parts of the curriculum covering the methods and techniques for manipulating world markets and events, sources close to the student reported today.

Berel Weissman, 23, began pursuing training for the Rabbinate while he was 14, undergoing a grueling series of courses and both written and oral examinations to assess his grasp of Jewish law. For nearly ten years he immersed himself in the study of Talmud and the various ritual aspects of Judaism: liturgy, animal slaughter, kosher meat preparation, forbidden mixtures, Sabbath observance, synagogue procedures, and myriad other arenas in which Rabbinic knowledge may be sought. During that time he has also completed an entire cycle of Talmud study, covering both the Babylonian and Jerusalem Talmuds. Not once, however, has Mr. Weissman been taught how to control the world, or even merely participate in the larger Jewish cabal that exerts that control.

For centuries, critics of the Talmud and of Jews have charged that the books contain instructions for mistreating, dehumanizing, enslaving, and exploiting non-Jews. So vehement did the opposition become at certain points that large-scale public burnings of Talmud manuscripts took place in medieval European cities. Weissman, whose teachers laud his proficiency in the material and his sharp analytical mind, has even mastered the complex sources that codify and expand on Talmudic law, but despite his extensive exposure to such material, has never been instructed in, for example, how to cheat a gentile out his life savings, or how to undermine economic stability in Europe through clever manipulation of interest rates and stock markets. Instead, the Borough Park resident has been trained, for example, to distinguish between a species of mammal whose blood requires covering following its slaughter and one that does not.

Initially puzzled by the lack of cabal-oriented instruction in the ordination curriculum, Weissman assumed the obviously more sensitive material was reserved for more advanced students. However, even after marrying at age 20 and thus becoming eligible for the study of the laws governing menstruation, childbirth, and sexuality, he kept not finding any hint of how to dominate the global economy while keeping a boot on the throat of the goyim. In fact, Weissman discovered that the more he and his peers studied the Talmud and later writings, the more sensitive they became to the humanity of everyone they encountered, and to the need inherent in every interaction to preserve human dignity.

“It’s reached the point that I’m not even interested in global domination anymore,” confessed the student. “I’d much rather discuss the apparent contradiction in the Taz as to why slaughtered meat is washed before salting,” he added, referring to a seventeenth-century commentator and prominent authority.