Rabbis Unsure Whether Avocado A Fruit Or A Turd

The session ended with the assembled scholars remaining deadlocked.

Jerusalem, August 8 – Consensus continues to elude authorities on Jewish law as to the proper classification of the avocado, and whether the produce should be considered a fruit, requiring certain benedictions before and after eating, or a turd, requiring no such blessings.

A Rabbinic Council of sages taking place in the holy city devoted a session today to discussion of the thorny question, which turns on ambiguities in the requirements for determining the categorization of produce. Sephardic Chief Rabbi Shmuel Eliyahu argued in favor of the fruit classification, citing botanical principles, whereas his Ashkenazic counterpart Rabbi David Lau vehemently contended that the avocado, being inedible and repulsive, requires none. The session ended with the assembled scholars remaining deadlocked.

“The rule is straightforward,” asserted Rabbi Eliyahu. “A fruit, in Halacha, grows from a plant where the same spot on the plant can produce fruit next time around. An avocado, though unknown to the Rabbis of the Mishna who compiled the principles, clearly satisfies this requirement, and one must recite a boreh p’ri ha’etz,” he continued, referring to the specific formula of the benediction over fruit.

“Have you ever tried to eat an avocado?” retorted Rabbi Lau. “I’m not going to bad-mouth one of the Creator’s creations, God forbid, but we should know better than to think such chunk of gdoilim is edible. The only appropriate bracha for an avocado is asher yatzar.” “G’doilim” is a Yiddishisized Hebrew euphemism for feces, and asher yatzar is a benediction recited after relieving oneself, in gratitude for a functioning body.

A large number of assembly participants confessed to remaining undecided. “Rabbi Eliyahu made a compelling case for classifying avocado as fruit,” considered Rabbi Aryeh Stern the Ashkenazic Chief Rabbi of Jerusalem. “It rested on methodical analysis and close examination of the structure and physiology of the avocado plant, which is a mainstay of making such determinations. On the other hand, I have a soft spot, if you will, for Rabbi Lau’s argument, since, after all, the avocado is essentially Nature’s Number 2. So I really am torn.”

The dean of a Hasidic yeshiva seconded Rabbi Stern’s ambivalence. “I originally gave it no more than a passing thought, but this is a serious question – is an avocado a fruit or a piece of digestive waste?” emphasized the Rabbi, who asked not to be identified lest word get out that he was participating in a “Zionist” function that included the chief rabbis. “In Halacha the experiential theoretically trumps the intellectual, so the visceral sense of an avocado being just a pear-shaped turd should carry the day here. But we always have to be concerned for the conclusions of previous authorities who thought differently, because maybe they encountered or thought of some consideration we haven’t.”

“Push comes to shove, though, I’m doing the cautious thing and never eating any,” he added.