Renaissance Jesus Glad He Got That Skin-Whitening Treatment

“This is a good look for him. The whole melanin-reduction treatment really brings out his eyes.”

Florence, September 15 – Jesus Christ voiced satisfaction today that he had undergone procedures to reduce the activity of pigment-producing cells in his skin tissue in time for the Italian Renaissance of the fifteenth century.

Associates of the Prince of Peace told reporters that the Lord and Savior was pleased with his appearance in the portraits he had done by various great masters, and that his complexion had bothered him for many years before he finally worked up the courage to visit a dermatologist. After a few visits, Christ had his melanin production reduced significantly, and now fits in much better in much of Europe.

“He looks fly,” offered an admiring St. Thomas. “You talk about a guy who knows how to change with the times, that’s my man Jesus. He could pull off any look with flair and authenticity – and he has, judging from his depictions in various cultures all over the place – but this one has a specialness all its own.”

“I like the way he now has a more understated halo than before,” added James, the messiah’s half-brother. “I thought the whole medieval look was a bit crude and gaudy, and the Byzantine portraits I’d sooner forget. Talk about bling. This is a good look for him. The whole melanin-reduction treatment really brings out his eyes.”

Not everyone thinks the change was necessary, but nevertheless remain supportive. “I think he was perfect just the way he was, of course,” said his mother Mary. “But whatever makes him happy. He walks around with more confidence now, and that’s what’s important.”

Artists had similar reactions. Michelangelo Buonarroti, who has painted several images of the Son, expressed appreciation for the aesthetic possibilities that opened up once Jesus had the treatment done. “I thank the Lord he had this done, actually,” admitted the artist behind the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel at the Vatican. “It would have been a distraction to have to depict the proper emotions with all that foreign shading. It works well in the context of my work.”

Raphael, who painted numerous Madonna and Child portraits, wished the Christ had undergone the treatment earlier. “I’ve been forced to hire models as stand-ins,” he lamented. “I know the Lord works in mysterious ways, but it would have been nice to have Jesus himself sit for the portraits, or at least the sketches.”

In the wake of Jesus’s melanin-reduction procedures, doctors report they have been flooded with inquiries from myriad saints, including Mary herself, as to the possibility of undergoing the same treatment.