Report: Abu Ein Murdered By Telekinetic Israeli Soldiers

Ramallah, December 19 – Palestinian minister Ziad Abu Ein was apparently murdered by telekinetic Zionist soldiers, according to a forensic report issued today (see accompanying photo).

“Freak telekinetic Jews are directly responsible for the death of Abu Ein,” said Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas. “The world must stop this scourge.”

The incident took place on the tenth of December, after an altercation between the minister and the Zionists. Palestinian activists were protesting the Occupation at the village of Turmus Ayya near Ramallah, when the minister confronted a group of soldiers, one of whom fixed a paranormal gaze on Abu Ein and caused his circulatory system to malfunction. The minister suffered a heart attack and died before reaching non-Zionist medical care.

Sources within the IDF revealed that Uri Geller, a famous spoon-bending Zionist Jew, was recruited back in 2001 for the sole purpose of training telekinetic Jews and put them to work wreaking havoc among enemies of the Zionist entity. The classified unit’s duties mostly involve creating hazards and minor ailments among Palestinians and their supporters, but occasionally other nefarious schemes.

The so-called Geller Unit, officially known as the Special Telekenesis Unit for Paranormal Intifada Disruption (STUPID), was also behind Yasser Arafat’s severe hemorrhoids, which he developed after a group of parapsychotic Jews sat simultaneously in front of 40 television screens in 2002 and stared at the leader’s image with ill intent. The most likely cause of Arafat’s death in 2004 was an undiagnosed infection, the source of which could easily be a ruptured hemorrhoid.

The late Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez similarly developed his fatal cancer after he publicly denounced Israel. The STUPID source described that effort as involving planting crystals in specific spots around the Earth so that when Chavez passed through the virtual lines they created, his DNA began mutating and cells metastasizing. 

A spokesman for Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu denied the STUPID allegations.

It is estimated that up to 55% of world Jewry possesses telekinetic and/or telepathic abilities. Several prominent Jews have achieved fame in precisely that field: David Copperfield, Harry Houdini, David Blaine, Magneto, and Jesus among them. The Thing, a member of the vigilante group the Fantastic Four, is similarly a Jew with paranormal qualities.

Agents in Rafah are warning Gazans to keep their televisions off this week to avoid exposure to STUPID. They declined to elaborate.

(h/t www.antisionista.com)