Report: Ancient Prophets, Sages Wise Except Where You Disagree

In this month’s issue of the journal Pathways in Observed Social Trends in Human Organization and Cooperation (POSTHOC), a sociology periodical.

Jerusalem, July 8 – Researchers have determined that the lore and insight of those who lived long ago, and thus had a more earthy, authentic sense of humanity and nature, illuminates our experience in ways we cannot hope to achieve on our own, given the distance technology has forced between us and the unmediated experience of reality, unless that lore calls into question how you live your life, in which case they were backward, benighted bigots who probably owned slaves, according to a new study.

Scientists examined the moral, spiritual, political, and interpersonal teachings of the ancients and compared them with your current sensibilities, a process that led to the discovery that where those teachings support your biases and lifestyle choices, they represent the epitome of timeless wisdom already apparent at that earlier stage of human culture, whereas when your perspective differs from those teachings, the latter represent the shortcomings of a world that had yet to go through the Enlightenment and its attenuation of the religious imperative that once pervaded society and that kept humanity from progress toward a more evolved society. The study appeared in this month’s issue of the journal Pathways in Observed Social Trends in Human Organization and Cooperation (POSTHOC), a sociology periodical.

Lead study authors Fallah See and Nonfalsa Fyabl, both of the University of Scotland at Special Pleading, looked at the principles, if any, that guide your decisions, and created an overlay with the citations, works, and lore that you have cited in explaining those decisions, in encouraging others to make similar decisions, or in criticizing others’ decisions. “The results were unequivocal,” stated Dr. See. “Every single instance of overlap indicates a clear occurrence of ancient wisdom being borne out in a modern context. Every single instance of divergence represents that we, or at least you, have evolved beyond the primitive notions of a less-advanced time and place.”

Dr. Fyabl gave specific attention to your sexuality. “The uncanny nature of this one is striking,” she remarked. “Ancient sources about dignity, patience, and generosity in the bedroom and beyond, where they are mirrored here, obviously and clearly demonstrate their timeless staying power, relevance, and rightness. But here, look at your actual behavior and contrast it with the outdated ideas of monogamy, moderation, plain old kindness, or even just not giving in to primal urges all the time – it’s phenomenal how consistently those are all obsolete relics of an unenlightened time.”

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