Report: Oh, @&$#!, Not Again

The recent episodes strengthened the assessment among Israelis that the $#!t has seriously hit the goddamn fan.

Jerusalem, July 31 – In the day following a stabbing attack on the Jerusalem Gay Pride Parade and a fatal arson attack on a Palestinian family, officials say evidence is mounting that Oh, @&$#! why is this happening again?

The stabbing yesterday, perpetrated by a man recently released after serving most of his sentence for a nearly identical attack ten years ago, and the arson last night, which killed a toddler and seriously injured other family members, strengthened the assessment among Israelis that the $#!t has seriously hit the goddamn fan.

Officials from across the political, religious, and ideological spectrum condemned each of the attacks, which many specifically called terrorism. Religious leaders were especially unequivocal in their denouncement of the stabbing, perpetrated by a Haredi man, stressing that the disgrace was made even greater by his claim that he was acting in the name of the faith, and that, Oh, mother%$#*ing hell, not this again. Additionally, the IDF vowed to apprehend those responsible for the so-called “price tag” attack on Palestinian civilians and to bring them to justice, and Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu expressed his personal sorrow and that of the Israeli government, to the effect that &%$#ing mother*&%$ing $%@*, but this is *&^%$ing inhumane and must not be tolerated.

Some Israeli observers tried to find a silver lining in the *)&ing shameful episodes by noting that the across-the-board revulsion to the hate crimes offers a striking contrast to the way terrorists are ebmraced, feted, and treated as national heroes by Palestinians, but those voices were drowned out by the groundswell of holy God in Heaven, how did it come to this?

Still others made an even more explicit attempt to leverage the events for political advantage. Some MKs used the occasion to stress how the *&%$ing messed up situation proves what they have been saying all along, while others exploited the shock to cast themselves in the role of a bulwark against the dark forces who would have this #@$ become the order of the day.

The Central Bureau of Statistics published a report indicating WTF? and the Ministry of Public Safety issued several reams of documents attesting to fact that What The Ever-Loving &*%$ is going on here? Public figures continued to lament that fact that large percentages of the Israeli and Palestinian publics still see the other as a monolithic threat that can be cowed with a proper display of violence, for *&%’s sake. Spokespeople on both sides of the divide accused the other’s leadership of incitement to violence and/or encouraging impunity among those who attack the other, which the CBI notes is “&*%ed in the head.”

At press time, Holy &*%$, will this ever end?

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