Rival Benefactors Feud Over Dedication Plaques In Tabernacle

All insist they obtained exclusive rights to having an inscription in their names etched into the side of the Holy Ark.

Wilderness of Sinai, July 27 – Tensions continue to simmer among the Israelites this week as several wealthy families clashed over naming rights to various portions of the Holy Tabernacle they had funded, Levitic sources reported today.

The Tannenbaum, Schottenstein, Safra, Kushner, and Stone families, among others, each seek to have a plaque installed to commemorate their sponsorship of various portions of the facility, which is to function as a physical vehicle for the manifestation of the divine among and within the people. Bookkeepers handling the collection of donations evidently neglected to inform each contributor not to expect exclusive naming rights to any part of the Tabernacle, an oversight that has those wealthy clans continually looking for ways to assert priority in their respective quests to immortalize loved ones or themselves.

Representatives of the philanthropic families each claimed they had secured the rights to place a dedication plaque at the entrance to the Tabernacle and to the Holy of Holies, with all but the Schottensteins insisting they had obtained exclusive rights to having an inscription in their names etched into the side of the Holy Ark. Another family, the Weinbergs, is vying with the others to have its dedication inscribed on the side of the altar in the Tabernacle courtyard.

“We’ve been through this before,” said an exasperated David Schottenstein. “It was clear back in Egypt that my family had provided the funds for the box in which Moses was placed as a baby, but that was never immortalized with a plaque in memory of my parents. Now is the time to remedy that omission, and it would be proper and fitting to have our name appear at the entrance, either on a golden plaque or etched into the Tabernacle construction material itself.”

Julia Tannenbaum countered that the Schottensteins’ claim was suspect. “It has never been established that anyone pledged or provided money for that box,” she claimed. “It would actually be totally improper for the Schottensteins to get mixed up in this process, because if what they say is true, it compromises Moses and his appearance of impartiality. If they were honorable, they would withdraw. As it is, my family clearly secured first claim to both the entryway and the Ark.”

A Safra family attorney scoffed that that claim. “Please. Everyone knows my clients are prepared to sponsor the whole project,” he said. “But they are willing to acknowledge the generosity of others, and will allow these other would-be  – and wannabe – philanthropists the rights to name some of the equipment.”

A spokesman for the Tabernacle collection committee offered assurances that everything would be worked out. “Actually, it appears none of these families will be able to have their names appear,” explained Mishael ben Kehath. “It would be inappropriate to have the same names in the Tabernacle that also appeared on the dedication plaque at the base of the Golden Calf.”