Sadie, I MUST Have This Palestinian-Children’s-Blood Matza Recipe!

by Harriet Lefkowitz

New York, July 14 – Good morning, Sadie! So nice to see you. How are the grandchildren? Oh, so good, so good to hear. A doctor? Oh, you must be shepping! I hope he finds a nice girl, too, a bright boy like that, and a cardiology student to boot! Say, this Palestinian children blood matza is excellent. Sadie, I must have this recipe.

Look at me, it’s July, and here I am eating matza, like it’s the first night of Passover – this is delicious. No wonder you make yours all year round! You must tell me, what’s your secret? Is it the age of the Palestinian child you butcher? Come on, Sadie. You can’t let this secret go to the grave with you. The world needs to know how to make such a delicacy. This is nothing like the store-bought cardboard from Streit’s or Horowitz-Margareten. Even the Israeli stuff, Aviv, or Yehuda, they don’t get the right tenderness. This is dynamite stuff. You can’t let it just fade into oblivion.

Let’s be honest, Sadie, you’re not getting any younger – isn’t that what you keep telling your still-single daughter Julia? Is she still dating that boy from New Jersey? No, good riddance, Sadie, I’m telling you, that boy was lousy for her. No ambition! No child of mine would tolerate a spouse who’s content to be just a computer repairman. Not even an accountant! You don’t want her raising children around such a no-goodnik. She’s better off this way, and don’t you go hocking her cheinik about her biological clock. You saw what happened to my Bernie after the divorce. I think she made him gay, what with all that “he won’t touch me” and “do you find me pretty?” nonsense. But your blood matza, Sadie – you must must share the recipe. Is it special flour from wheat fields that our boys stole from Palestinians? The flavor and texture are to die for. This knowledge has to be passed down before you pass on.

It doesn’t even have to be to me! Pass it on to your grandchildren; you don’t have to entrust it to Ethel or Marvin. We’re best friends, so I can be totally frank with you, but I think even you’ll agree it’s best not to let either of those two near such sensitive information. Remember when they blabbed to the gantze mishpocha about Fannie’s miscarriage? What a shanda. No, you go right to Arnold or, better yet, Frieda and Irving. Those two know their way around a kitchen.

Sadie, this is just amazing blood matza. I can never get mine to come out this smooth, and I only use Palestinian preschooler blood, and you know how expensive that is. Please, you must share the recipe.

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