Safety Precautions Force Nasrallah To Conduct Conjugal Visits Via Skype

A Hezbollah spokesman disclosed this development as part of an information campaign by the organization to project a more realistic image than before, including footage of facilities destroyed in Israeli strikes.

Beirut, August 26 – The chief of Iran’s main Shiite proxy militia in Lebanon now engages in intimate relations with his wife through remote electronic means, sources familiar with his routine reported today, given new, tighter security procedures to protect him from Israel.

Hezbollah insiders noted this morning (Monday) that organization leader Hassan Nasrallah rarely emerges from his bunker in the capital city’s Shiite stronghold, and that only a select roster of senior movement figures and liaisons with Tehran may enter his presence. As such, they observed, even Mr. Nasrallah’s wife Fatimah cannot enjoy direct conjugal relations with him, and the couple must instead rely on Skype or other online means by which to couple.

A Hezbollah spokesman disclosed this development as part of an information campaign by the organization to project a more realistic image than before, including footage of facilities destroyed in Israeli strikes. “Our public relations efforts must evolve with the times,” acknowledged the spokesman. “Once upon a time we could boast of thousands of rockets rising to intercept the cowardly Zionist drones, but our audience appears to have outgrown such naked exaggeration. We now have to couch the propaganda in more subtle terms. Thus the admission that Sayyid Nasrallah must modify his conjugal habits, but with the clear message that our noble leader retains his virility even as he approaches sixty years of age.” The honorific “Sayyid” refers to certain descendants of the Prophet Muhammad.

Observers remain circumspect regarding the effect of such a message on Hezbollah loyalists, and on Lebanese society and politics at large. “It’s too early to tell what this will accomplish, if anything,” remarked Beirut newspaper calumnist Walid Jumbobutt. “The effect may well evolve over time. Recall that at the outbreak of the 2006 war with Israel, few Lebanese voices were willing to criticize Nasrallah for initiating the conflict [with the murder and capture of three IDF soldiers]. But as the destruction it invited on the country increased, more and more people came out against his choices, including important regional leaders such as King Abdullah of Jordan and Hosni Mubarak of Egypt. The virility message may resonate at the moment when nothing but Hezbollah impotence can be seen against Israel, but this may come back to bite him in many possible ways.”

Nasrallah’s sexual habits have made news before, such as in 2015 when Israel published embarrassing revelations about the online pornography consumption habits of various enemy leaders.

Please support our work through Patreon.