Sanhedrin Rejects Yeshiva Graduates For Ignorance Of Languages, Science, Math

“A cohort of applicants believes they would come by this hard-earned knowledge as if by magic, without cracking open a textbook or engaging in direct study of the relevant materials.”

Jerusalem, September 12 – The reconstituted judicial body that serves as the arbiter of all questions of Jewish law and presides over the post-Messianic spiritual stewardship of the People of Israel has declined to accept as any of its seventy-two members those whose education ill-equipped them to understand basic elements of the cases on which the Court will rule, because those applicants attended institutions that taught only perfunctory arithmetic and other secular subjects, if any.

Official records show that the Sanhedrin, which occupies the Chamber of Hewn Stone as part of the rebuilt complex of the Third Temple, sent rejection notices today to seven alumni of a Brooklyn yeshiva who sought to join the august body, following examinations that found the candidates sufficiently-versed in all the necessary details of Jewish ritual and interpersonal law, but close to none of the requisite general knowledge that a member of the Sanhedrin must possess.

“We find it surprising,” the rejection letters read, “that students of our tradition as steeped in the sources as you, have somehow failed to to uphold the requirement that members of this Court know languages, and exhibit proficiency in the mathematical and scientific concepts governing, for example, the lunar cycle and human or animal anatomy and physiology.”

“We find it disconcerting,” the Sanhedrin letter continued, “that, it would appear, a cohort of applicants believes they would come by this hard-earned knowledge as if by magic, without cracking open a textbook or engaging in direct study of the relevant materials. An institution, not to mention a community, that discourages aspiring Sages to neglect full examination, comprehension, and appreciation of the Holy One’s creation raises doubts as to the suitability and sustainability of its role in the People of Israel and the wholeness of Torah.”

The King Messiah arrived several months ago to cement Jewish salvation and stewardship of the world. Part of His Majesty’s mission has involved recruiting scholars and leaders to join the Sanhedrin. That supreme court has already begin to resolve questions that arose during the nation’s long exiles, during which Jewry lost its central arbiter. Because the judges must hear witnesses’ and litigants’ statements directly, and not mediated by an interpreter, they must possess fluency in the language the litigant speaks; because calculation and anticipation of the “new” lunar month stands as the linchpin of the calendar, Sanhedrin members must also show capability in tracking and predicting the irregular orbit of the moon and, if necessary, determining if and when to intercalate an extra month in to the lunar Jewish year to keep the festivals in their proper seasons. Numerous religious academies, however, have neglected to impart such crucial knowledge and skills to their students, in a misguided attempt to shield their community from impure “outside” influence, and condemning their graduates to rejection from the Sanhedrin.

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