Schabas Commission Forced To Turn Away 400 Kangaroos

Geneva, August 12 – The newly announced chairman of the UN Human Rights Council’s investigative commission into possible war crimes in the recent conflict in Gaza has informed reporters that, unfortunately, the commission’s limited allotment of available slots for members means that many aspiring marsupial participants in the kangaroo court have been turned away.

“We received many more applications from kangaroos with all the right qualifications than we have the space to accept,” said William Schabas. “While we would truly love to benefit from the membership in this kangaroo court of as many eminently qualified candidates as possible, practical constraints dictate that we limit the roster spots to less than a dozen.” As a result of the necessary restrictions, said Schabas, only three kangaroos have been accepted as members.

“I wish to emphasize on behalf of the Human Rights Council that the rejection of an applicant with all the necessary anti-Israel credentials does not constitute a targeting of those otherwise innocent candidates,” he added. “But in arriving at the targets of our choice, we are forced by circumstances to make choices that negatively affect those who are not chosen. We regret the pain this may cause.”

Several of the rejected candidates attempted to appeal the decision by invoking provisions of the selection process allowing for medical or other considerations to ward off being targeted for rejection. The selection committee nevertheless struck down those applications in the process of choosing only the most suitable applicants.

Other candidates attempted to bypass the rigorous process by sneaking their applications past the first-round selections in a process they called “tunneling.” The second-stage selection committee, however, rejected those attempts and quashed the applicants who resorted to such measures.

The commission hopes to hop to its work right away, with all its members prepared to jump to the right conclusions.