School Calls For Calm As Nerds Provoke Bullies By Entering Library

Cherry Hill, New Jersey, November 3 – Nerds and bullies clashed today at a local school when geek extremists visited the third-most-important bully hangout site without permission.

The clashes began when a Poindexter study group entered the school library with pencils and notebooks. According to agreements already in place, nerds are allowed to visit the library but not use it to study. These accords were reached several years ago when another study group was forced out of the library and given swirlies by the bullies. Bullies assert that swirlies are an important bully ritual, rich in cultural heritage, while nerds claim they are violent and offensive.

Bully representatives denounced the nerds’ behavior as insulting.

“This is pure provocation,” one bully said, “there is no reason for them come here.”

“This has been a bully hang out for years, these nerds are just trying to stir up trouble,” said another.

John Kerry, the school’s principal, was quick to weigh in and attempted to calm tensions. “I would like to ask both sides to refrain from incendiary actions. It is important that no one attempt to make any changes to the status quo that has remained in place for so long,” he said.

Student body president Barry O’Bama, , who in the past has claimed to support the nerds, also expressed shock at the nerds’ actions. “This is an incredibly sensitive time of the school year, with midterms right around the corner. There was no reason for the nerds to act is such an arrogant manner right now.” The president continued, “If the nerds want to continue to receive my support, they will need to stop acting as though everything belongs to them and sit back down with the bullies to negotiate over what parts of the school they are allowed to enter.”

A group of more outspoken nerds refused to back down. “The library was originally a place where everyone could study. We don’t want to stop anyone from coming here; we just want to use it for its original purpose as well, he said.” Some nerds claim the library is the most important place for them in the entire school, and was where the first and second nerd study groups used to meet before nerds were ousted from many school facilities.

Mahmoud Abbas, the local bully leader, was unconvinced. “This is a bully hang out and will always be a bully hang out. Any attempt to challenge that is a declaration of war,” he said as he hung a “No Nerds Allowed” sign on the door with school administrators looking on.

Guest author kept anonymous at own request to stave off hordes of groupies.