School On Lockdown Amid Reports Of Independent Thought

“We are considering this an Active Heresy situation, and have deployed our personnel accordingly to address this threat.”

Ramat Aviv Gimmel, March 14 – Police rushed to a high school in this northern neighborhood of Tel Aviv this morning upon receiving word that at least one student had wielded ideas not approved by the administration, endangering the welfare of their fellow students and several faculty members.

The incident, which as of this writing was ongoing, began at approximately 9:30 Wednesday morning, according to police officials, when a call came to the precinct to the effect that an eleventh-grader had been exposed to independent thought. Units were summoned from around the city to protect the student body, and social workers remain on the scene to assist victims and witnesses in coping with the anticipated horrors.

“From what we can tell at this stage, there is at least one student, possibly as many as three, expressing ideas that differ from what the cultural authorities have deemed acceptable,” stated Deputy Commissioner Darius Groupthink. “We are considering this an Active Heresy situation, and have deployed our personnel accordingly to address this threat.”

Conflicting eyewitness reports place one, two, or three students in a ground-floor classroom, subjecting others to dangerous notions of freedom of speech, private property, individual autonomy, volition, moral agency, personal responsibility, and characterization of a person based on factors other than group identity. Horrified parents gathered at the scene.

“I’m trying not to imagine what my kid is being exposed to,” remarked an agitated mother. “It’s every cultural elite parent’s worst nightmare. Where is the government? Shouldn’t these dangerous ideas be illegal?” She collapsed into the arms of other parents and a social worker.

Some parents have also pointed to what they deem an inadequate police response. “Since we know speech is violence, there is no excuse for not combating this horror with bullets,” demanded one father. “If my child comes home infected with the idea that she should confront things that challenge her worldview instead of suppressing them for violating her safe space, I am going to sue the government for abdicating its responsibility to coddle us.”

“Things are never going to be the same now,” predicted a faculty member. “I hear talk of arming teachers with ideas to counter what students or others might bring into the school, but I’m not confident in my ability, or that of my colleagues, to handle ideas of that caliber in a high-stress situation. No, we need something more systemic, because the system is broken. I don’t feel safe, and the children don’t feel safe.”

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