Scientists Find Downtown Jerusalem Establishment That Is Not A Coffee Shop

Jerusalem, May 15 – An exhaustive search of retail outlets in Jerusalem’s city center has revealed that there exists one that is not a hoity-toity cafe, researchers from the Hebrew University announced today.

Researchers scoured a 400-meter radius of the Ben Yehuda Street pedestrian mall last month, and found that of the approximately 1,200 stores, only a school and office supply franchise in Zion Square was not a place to purchase pretentiously made coffee. A team of twenty graduate students and postdoctoral research fellows walked the street sand alleys of the neighborhood, noting that where family restaurants, clothing retailers, and electronics stores used to be, one could no longer walk twelve steps without tripping over the tables and chairs of some sidewalk cafe.

Even pizza and ice cream places have converted, with Lavazza or Segafredo brewed coffee now a selling point, apparently because the pizza itself – made invariably with ersatz Gouda cheese instead of proper mozzarella – has little to recommend it.

But who is buying all that coffee? The study authors write that they are at a loss to explain how that number of cafes can hope to remain profitable in a city with one of the highest poverty rates in the country, and where a significant percentage of the population maintains its traditional love for black Turkish coffee, which is not a staple of the snooty coffee shops.

“The trend is even more puzzling in light of a relatively new development in the Israeli coffee scene: coffee shops that charge only five shekels per drink, where the average heretofore has been closer to fifteen,” they wrote. “A new chain in Tel Aviv began the gimmick several months ago, challenging the existing retailers to lower their prices. Despite this profit-trimming trend, downtown Jerusalem’s retail scene remains dominated by coffee shops, with only the occasional second-floor law office or photography studio disturbing the landscape of signs.”

The researchers are already applying for grants to continue the study, in which they intend to extensively sample and analyze what each coffee shop has to offer, including its ancillary products such as pastries, sandwiches, confections, and pasta dishes.

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