Security Council Reluctantly Agrees To Address Something Other Than Israel

“Happy now?” asked a sneering Security Council. “There’s your stupid Syria session.”

New York, May 6 – The United Nations Security Council engaged in a shouting match with its mother today over tackling issues that are not the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, an exchange that concluded with the Council grudgingly committing to discuss the ongoing Syrian morass and stomping off to its room and slamming the door behind it.

The Security Council was summoned by its mother to the kitchen to talk about responsibilities beyond the body’s favorite pastime, duties that have been neglected recently and require urgent attention. The Council reacted by complaining that it never gets to do what it wants, an argument that its mother countered with the observation that the only thing the Council does all the time is exactly what it wants, namely debating condemnations of Israel, and there are other important responsibilities that need attention around here.

The shouting continued apace, featuring liberal use of the epithet, “You’re not the boss of me!” until the Council’s mother threatened to withhold various privileges. Faced with the prospect of losing various trappings of diplomatic stature, the Security Council finally yelled, “Fine! I’ll discuss your stupid other issues!” and wheeled toward its bedroom.

Twenty minutes later, the Council emerged holding a sheet of paper with writing in black crayon. “I’ve outlined your goddamn ‘issues’ so I can discuss your precious little non-Israel-Palestine resolutions,” spat the Council, to which its mother retorted, “You watch your mouth.” The next Council session, scheduled to resentfully take place this week, will cover the deteriorating situation in Syria. “Happy now?” asked a sneering Security Council. “There’s your stupid Syria session.”

The Council’s mother gave it a litany of conflicts and challenges that still need its attention, such as Yemen, Sudan, Tibet, Somalia, Libya, Iraq, Mediterranean refugees, Iranian nuclear ambitions, Ukraine, and the Islamic State’s activities in the Middle East and West Africa. The Security Council rolled its eyes and accused its mother of just not getting it.

“None of my friends’ parents care about any of this stuff,” claimed the Council. “And Grandma says things were no different forty years ago. She said in her time, ‘Zionism is Racism’ was all everybody talked about even though there was Biafra and Vietnam and Cambodia and Jordan and Lebanon and who knows what else going on.”

The Council’s mother told it to wait until its father gets home, at which point he would decide what disciplinary measures to take against it for mouthing off.