Sporadic Stabbings Mysteriously Fail To Cause Millions of Israelis To Flee

Despite decades of Arab terrorism, protests, and international opprobrium, Israel has only grown in population, economic strength, and military power.

Ramallah, April 13 – Palestinian strategists are scratching heir heads at the latest statistics showing that despite six months of stabbing attacks on Israelis, the six-million-strong Jewish population of the Zionist state has not abandoned the country for safer shores.

At a planning and analysis session of the Fatah Knife Intifada Higher Committee this morning, officials puzzled over the mystifying phenomenon of Israelis by the millions staying in their ancestral homeland despite occasional instances of Palestinians, mostly teenagers and young adults, attempting to kill and injure Israeli Jews by means of various sharp implements. The participants even heard from a representative of the rival Hamas organization, which is grappling with the similar, though longer-term, question as to why, despite decades of Arab terrorism, protests, and international opprobrium, Israel has only grown in population, economic strength, and military power.

“We came here to put our heads together and understand this strange development,” explained Committee Chairman Mashtin Baqqir. “After all, the Oslo, Gaza, and Lebanon precedents should tell us that when we keep trying to kill Jews, they eventually give up and leave. It might take years, perhaps decades, but it worked. From 1993 to 2005, the name of the game was Jews leaving various parts of the territory they controlled, after years and years of violence directed at them. But it’s been almost eleven years since the last such withdrawal, and three wars with Hamas have produced nothing more in that respect. So we went with a more grass-roots approach. But nothing.”

Baqqir noted that a number of Israelis, even prominent ones, have made grand pronouncements about leaving if Netanyahu got reelected, but those statements were both mere political posturing and less a product of Palestinian violence than a reaction to internal Israeli political developments, as borne out by the fact that few, if any, have actually left since Netanyahu held on to the premiership a year ago. “Rockets, mortars, and vehicular homicide couldn’t dislodge the Zionists, but there’s no reason knives and scissors should have the same problem,” he insisted. “I mean, it’s a new thing, to do this on a mass scale, so the Jews should be scared.”

The meeting was forced to end early as the result of a shortfall in funding for electricity, refreshments, and maintenance. A participant who requested anonymity explained that while the budget had allocated the necessary monies for the event to take place in full, the funds had been siphoned beforehand by officials who needed to pay for pensions to jailed terrorists and for new villas for senior Fatah figures.