State Dept. Lauds Iran’s Reuse Of Older Cranes To Hang Gays

“Enticing Iran back into the family of nations simply cannot happen if we demand that Iran act like it belongs in the family of nations.”

Washington, February 9 – The Biden administration’s pivot on Middle East policy became further evident today as American diplomats complimented the Khamenei regime on its ecological wisdom and frugality for repurposing obsolete construction equipment as gallows for homosexuals.

State Department spokesman Jack Kass made a point at a Wednesday press conference of praising the Islamic Republic of Iran for its use of old construction cranes from which to hang condemned gay men, noting that the thoughtful planning Iranian authorities demonstrated in such a decision foreshadows positive developments in the way the two countries might come to a better mutual understanding and arrangement to enable the mullahs to obtain nuclear weapons and foment terrorism all over the world without cumbersome Western interference.

“The president would like to congratulate President Hassan Rouhani and his fellow officials on this well-conceived move,” stated Kass. “It is perhaps a small gesture in the grand scheme of things the two nations must resolve, but it can nevertheless serve as an important confidence-building moment from which we can move toward rapprochement that has been sadly lacking over the last several years.”

Kass noted that the administration’s removal of economic sanctions against Iran ties into efforts to arrive at that rapprochement. “It’s one diplomatic package,” he acknowledged. “That’s different from Iranian support for proxy militias and forces of instability throughout the Middle East, which we find inconvenient, to say the least, to link to the regime’s nuclear ambitions. We cannot make progress on any of the issues if we demand that Iran cease its funding of terrorist organizations; cease training and equipping genocidal militias in Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, Gaza, and Yemen; cease threatening Israel with destruction; cease brutal repression of dissent; cease oppression of women; or cease discrimination against minorities. Enticing Iran back into the family of nations simply cannot happen if we demand that Iran act like it belongs in the family of nations.”

The State Department’s statement prompted a lukewarm response from Tehran. “That’s fine, as far as it goes,” conceded Minister of Foreign Affairs Javad Zarif. “But actions speak louder than words. We are going to need more substantive measures from the American side before we’re prepared to take a more conciliatory tone as we express our refusal to change anything about our hegemonic and antisemitic ambitions. Nothing less than total capitulation to all of our demands will do, plus those pallets of cash we got to love so much when Obama was in office.”

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