Study Finds Uncanny Correlation Between God’s Will And Your Political Preferences

Even when you change your mind, God agrees with you before and after.

Washington, October 15 – Researchers have identified a striking feature of your ideology and political sensibilities, a new study shows, in that those sensibilities align to a remarkable degree with the divine plan for humanity, a feature that no one else’s politics can claim.

Scholars at the Institute for Mapping Political Rationales and Identifying Manifest Attributes of Total Unity with Rightness (IMPRIMATUR) published a study this week in the journal Ego that confirms what you have long assumed but remained reluctant to articulate: your political positions correlate perfectly with what God wants, whereas everyone else’s interpretation of history, culture, law, text, tradition, and current events contain some corrupting element of self-interest, ignorance, or dishonesty that undermines the integrity of their positions.

Lead study author Sir Kyuler Riesening of the University of Leeds led a team of researchers who analyzed your espoused political positions, as well as the assumptions underlying them, and found that in contrast to a control group of seventy-five other randomly selected individuals, only your positions and arguments proved congruent to the revealed will of God. They also found that even when you change your mind, God agrees with you before and after.

“We found a remarkable, which is to say astounding, degree of correlation” between God’s will and yours, explained Sir Kyuler in an interview. “If subsequent research upholds these findings, we will be led to the conclusion that the way forward is clear: all we have to do is follow this one path, which is manifestly, plainly, the only right one.”

The study examined your stated opinions on a range of political and societal issues: abortion, capital punishment, nuclear disarmament, Middle East policy, the environment, “renewable” energy, demographic changes, the role of government, the religion-state relationship, welfare, education, deficit spending, nutrition, epidemiology, the job market, social mobility, immigration, race relations, media accountability, government transparency, police brutality, the Second Amendment, women’s rights, sexuality, birth control, China, Russia, OPEC, terrorism, the United Nations, Iran, Brexit, vote suppression, the stock market, celebrity, democracy, economic class tensions, freedom of conscience, military spending, tax policy, Venezuela, trade imbalances, labor unions, commercialization, the “War on Christmas,” crime, corruption, public health policy, child care, gender relations, transportation, access to information, literacy, road infrastructure, monopolies, campaign finance, the postal service, ethnic tensions, drugs, “quality of life” issues, manufacturing, housing, sex and violence in entertainment, objectification of women, communications, journalism, advertising, funding for the arts, scientific research, conservation of resources, and numerous others. It found that God agrees with you on every issue, and recommended that political leaders therefore consult you before making policy decisions.

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