Study: Gluten-Free Dieters Will Be Insufferable On Passover

“I would say the smugness rises to the point that it is only surpassed by that of vegans,” said Dr. Mayim Shelanu.

Atlanta, April 12 – Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control are predicting that immediately before and during the week-long Passover festival that begins Friday night April 22, people who habitually abstain from the consumption of grains containing gluten will display high levels of smugness and self-satisfaction, a new report says.

A new article in this week’s edition of the New England Journal of Medicine points to a strong association between the onset of Passover and increased insufferability of gluten-free dieters. A group of researchers studying the epidemiological effects of gluten-free diets arrived at the conclusion after examining incidences of insufferability among the subject population and overlaying that set of data with a Jewish calendar. As hypothesized, the group of gluten-free dieters became insufferable in greater numbers while those around them were abstaining from many grain products for spiritual, rather than metabolic, reasons.

During and immediately before Passover, Jews consume little other than matza in the way of grain products made of wheat, rye, barley, oats, or spelt, foodstuffs that also contain a protein that forms gluten when the flour becomes dough. While gluten gives bread its familiar ability to rise and stretch, some people suffer an inability to digest it properly, while many others simply abstain from it in the belief that the gluten lies at the source of countless physical ailments, despite scant evidence that the substance has significant ill effects on healthy digestive systems. Nevertheless, the scientists note, a rising number of people who abstain from gluten – principally those who do not suffer from Celiac disease – have made it a point of pride that gives rise to dangerous levels of smugness at Passover.

The smugness is manifest in two principal ways, often simultaneously, according to the article. Primarily, the gluten-free make a point of mentioning that year-round their dietary sensibilities keep them away from the foods forbidden on Passover, as if such abstinence is no big deal, and everyone else should stop complaining. At the same time, the article notes, and paradoxically, the same individuals use those remarks to feed their egos, as if abstaining from gluten requires superhuman capacity.

“I would say the smugness rises to the point that it is only surpassed by that of vegans,” said Dr. Mayim Shelanu, the study’s lead author. “In keeping with our findings, we recommend non-dieters to check their homes thoroughly before Passover and get rid of whatever gluten-free dieters they may have lying around.” Dr. Shelanu recommended setting aside ten pieces of gluten-rich materials and setting them in rooms throughout one’s home the evening before Passover to help ward off those who avoid the substance.