Study: One More Attack And Jews Will Abandon Whole Zionist Enterprise

Jews can be frightened away by the mere thought of a Palestinian youth with a kitchen knife, which is why there are only 6 million of them in Israel.

Gaza City, December 8 – A new report by the Palestinian Ministry of Misinfomation points to a surprising development in the decades-long resistance to Israel, whereby a single additional attempt by Palestinians to harm Israeli Jews will make the latter pack up and leave forever, en masse.

The study, released yesterday, confirms many long-held assumptions in Palestinian society, primarily the one that continued assaults on Jews would make them realize they don’t really belong, and would therefore abandon their family, cultural, historical, and religious ties to the land, as well as their agricultural, scientific, and economic achievements, and go elsewhere, presumably to the countries that spent centuries mistreating Jews before Israel was created. The report authors note that the practical implications of the study findings dovetail with established Palestinian policy and rhetoric, which include both incitement to attack Jews and the glorification and financial support of those who do so.

A key point of the report’s analysis turns on the discovery that whereas persistent misery experienced by Palestinians only hardens their collective resolve, Jews can be frightened away by the mere thought of a Palestinian youth with a kitchen knife. That datum helps to explain the shrinkage of the Israeli Jewish population since the Resistance began: in 1948 there were as many as six hundred thousand Jews in the country, but by 2015 the figure had shrunk to a mere six million.

Palestinian officials hailed the report as a vindication of generations of tradition. “We always knew this was the proper path,” said Ismail Haniyeh, a prominent Gaza leader. “The most important factor is something we in Hamas have long known intuitively: that Jews cannot handle hardship, while Palestinians can handle anything. We continuously prove this by maintaining and intensifying the misery of Palestinians in Gaza in order to contrast our endurance with the wussiness that Zionist economic success, academic prowess, technological advancement, military might, cultural vibrancy, and political openness signal.”

Already, Palestinian officials have embarked on a campaign to either directly engineer, or simply foment, the one remaining attack that will bring Israel to its knees. “I’m excited to find out whether it’s a stoning, firebombing, knifing, vehicular assault, rocket, suicide bombing, or shooting,” admitted the typically stoic Haniyeh. “It’s not every day you get to see one small act have epic repercussions, and I’m more than a little curious how it will play out. We and our allies have been saying for nearly seventy years that the end of the Zionist Entity is just around the corner, and one of these days it might even happen.”